This post is brought to you by Biogenic Alcohol.
Well, yes, I haven't forgotten about this super popular series! So if you're wondering about my Ask Frances series, well, I didn't do posts for May and June. I've been getting really heavy and serious questions. I'm kinda scared to answer them because marriages are on the balance. Nakakatakot sagutin, diba? But I said I'd do this series and so let's do this!
"Ask Frances" is a monthly (well, that was the plan!) blog series where I will answer questions from my readers. The chosen question will receive a prize. This month's prize is from my blog partner, Biogenic Alcohol. I really chose this question because it's perfect for announcing something I'm doing for a big event of Biogenic this weekend.
Our question this month:
I started reading your blog since you were pregnant with Iñigo. I found your blog because I was also pregnant in 2012 with my first child. Now I have two kids. A boy and a baby girl. My life is so full and happy, like yours. Frances, I can tell from the few posts that you write about your marriage that your marriage changed after the kids came. Mine did also.
My husband says he misses me. He wants me to stay awake so I can spend time with him after the kids go to sleep. Most of the time, he also wants to make love. We're married. He's a man. Of course he wants sex. I understand. But I want him to understand I'm so tired from taking care of the kids all day. I get up at 5 and I am on my feet until the kids bedtime at 8. I just really want to sleep. I am still attracted to my husband but I'm so tired. My husband doesn't force me at all. So I am thankful. But I am guilty. I'm too tired! I am also resentful. But I don't want him to become celibate for ever. I don't want him to look for a querida also.
Sorry for the personal question. How do you still have a marriage after kids? I follow you on IG and you still look so happy together with Vince. Are you still having sex? If yes, how do you do it? I don't want my marriage to end. Thank you!
Dear M.N., what questions you ask! I seriously don't know how to answer because I'm going through the same questions myself! But let me try anyway. Let's pretend it's just you and me talking, two wives who love their husbands so very much, two mothers too exhausted to show their husbands that love.
Let me answer the questions as bluntly as you asked them. "Are you still having sex?" Yes, we are still having sex. Sadly, the frequency has lessened to the point that sometimes Vince calls me his roommate. Haha.
I think it's important to remember that our husbands are not the villains here. He doesn't ask for sex because he's selfish. He wants sex because it's a display of love and affection for him to you and from you to him. I dunno why men can't display such affection in ways such as doing all the chores, or letting us sleep, or taking care of the kids all day long haha. For example, if I had a nap that day, I'm in a better mood for sex later at night. The longer my nap, the more game I am for making out! If I had time to shower, too! Honestly, sometimes a whole day can pass and I hadn't had time to wash my face or brush my teeth, then here comes my husband asking for loving. When I'm stinky, sticky and yucky, I'm not in the mood at all. Vince says he doesn't mind, but sex starts in the mind and if my mind says I'm yucky, I won't feel sexy. So let me nap, let me shower, and I can have sexy time!
So I guess that answers your question, "If yes, how do you do it?" He tries to make sure I get rest—even for just a little while—so I can have energy to take him on later. Talk to your husband about how tired you are and ask for his help. If he's at work all day, ask budget for household help. A life coach I know told me that mothers shouldn't feel guilty to hire yayas for their kids. Yayas help the mom in that she can rest and spend time with her husband. Someone needs to take care of our husbands, and if it won't be us, who's going to do it?
What helped me was remembering that I'm the only one in the world who can legally provide sex to my husband. So I do have a duty! I don't view it as an obligation, however, because that will make me resentful and that will make my husband a chore. I mean, I wouldn't want him to view me that way either. I want him to love the fact that he's the only one for me—for better or worse! So we have to make love to each other because we're the only ones who are supposed to and who are legally allowed to! So it's a joyful duty. Having an attitude of joy helps. I confess I'm not joyful about it every day because the exhaustion really drowns whatever joy or desire I have (and yes, I am still very much attracted to my husband!). So the solution—for us tired moms, at least—is to address our exhaustion. If husband and wife work together in making mom life less tiring (haha), then wife life will happen!!!
That said, don't conclude that just because you're not having sex, your marriage will end. Yes, sex is a very important part of marriage, but it's not the be-all and end-all of your relationship. It's commitment. Till death do you part, whether or not you're having sex.
Work with your husband about this. Tell him you still want him. Sometimes, that's all they need actually—your confirmation that he's still hot stuff. Commit to spending time together—whether going out on a date, or talking for an hour after the kids are asleep. Yes, just talking. It's hard for us wives to be intimate with someone we don't talk to. So I chat with Vince first before we do it. He gets impatient sometimes haha but it's really hard for me to get in the mood if I don't know how he is or I haven't told him about my day!
M.N., I've been assured (and warned in a way) that this mom-of-young-kids stage won't last forever. The babies will suddenly grow up and then we won't be so tired anymore. We'll have more time again. Just make sure you nurture your marriage while we wait for that time. Nurturing doesn't mean sex all day (who has the time???). Just be there for each other, talk to each other, affirm each other, laugh together, love each other, and make love when you can. That's what we're doing. Hopefully, it's enough to tide us over for when all the kids in school and we finally find ourselves alone!
Now, send me an email so I can send your Biogenic gift pack! You can also attend my talk on July 30, Saturday, at Market! Market! for the "My Biogenic World: Playtime Discoveries" event of Biogenic Alcohol. My topic will be "How to Take Care of Your Marriage After Kids." I'll have more tips to share there.
Aside from the talks from my fellow Biogenic Ambassadors and celebrity moms, there will be fun activities for the family and lots of giveaways!
I got my freebies early! They are so cute.
I'm no expert on that topic even though everyone seems to think so. I like to think that it's because it's obvious to everyone that my husband and I really truly do love each other. Even though these years may be stressful on our marriage, we are committed on working on it so that we will stay married. After all, we believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is their parents' happy marriage. They'll grow up in a loving home, emotionally and mentally secure, and aspiring for their own loving and committed relationships for when they grow up. If Vince and I can give that to our boys, we'd die happy.
For more tips from Biogenic, like their Facebook page, Official Biogenic Alcohol. You can also follow them on Instagram at @Biogenic_Alcohol and hashtags #BiogenicAlcohol, #MyBiogenicWorld and #BiogenicxHome.
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If you have a question for me, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org with "Ask Frances" on the subject.