Friday, April 24, 2020

How to get in the mood for sex when you're an exhausted wife

A Loyal Reader sent me a request recently. She asked me to write about sex again. She got hooked on my blog years ago when I was writing about how I was enjoying sex with my husband, Vince, and she said it was so refreshing to see sex talked about enthusiastically and in the context of a loving relationship. She then wondered why I stopped writing about sex.

Well, the kids happened. That's what usually happens when you have sex: You have kids haha. The more kids we had, the less frequent lovemaking became. And let me tell you from experience that a marriage is in trouble when the couple isn't making love. There were a few years when Vince and I would fight about it. He was trying to tell me that he needed sex while I was trying to tell him I'm too tired of taking care of three little boys to be in the mood for sex. It was tough, I will admit.

I'm sure I'm not the only mom who experiences this. Back then, I'd have little chats with my fellow mommy friends and talk inevitably goes to sex—the lack of it, our exasperation at needy husbands, and our bewilderment at why said husbands can't see how fucking tired we are!


What finally worked for Vince and me is good, honest talk. It wasn't easy at the start but talk we did, and this conversation happened several times over a looong time. We needed to be open about our feelings of neglect, of being undesirable, of feeling overwhelmed, of being lonely. It's hard to be intimate with someone who you think doesn't understand you. So the first step we really took as a couple was to be honest so we can understand each other.

That's so important in any relationship, but especially so in a marriage. I needed him to understand why I was never in the mood anymore. At the same time, I had to make him understand the conflicting emotions that even when I'm not in the mood for sex, that doesn't mean I don't want him anymore. So confusing, right???

But talk we did, and understand we did. And finally, make love we did!

It's really difficult to get in the mood for sex if you're an exhausted mama. So here's what worked for me and I hope this helps you, too!

1. Share the load.
Let's all just come right out and say it again and again and again: We don't want to have sex when we're tired. Or when we feel ugly. Or when we feel unloved. Or when we're worried about money or work. Sex is seriously the last thing on my mind when I'm tired from a whole day at work, caring for the kids, and doing chores. I can't even think of sex when we fight or when he's masungit. So if our husbands want us to be in the mood for constant sex, the solution is really simple: They better make sure we never get tired, we always feel beautiful and adored, and we never have anything to worry about!

So my husband started taking over many of my chores. Cleaning, folding the laundry, taking care of the kids. He was already a hands-on father before but when he understood that a tired me means no sex for him, he made sure I rested a lot!

2. Make him put the kids to bed.
I need time to transition from mommy mode to wife mode. So after dinner, I can't mom anymore. I need to de-stress and do a mental shift. Remember: The brain is the most powerful sex organ. If I can't think about making love, I won't be able to make love.

So let your husband do the bedtime story while you collect yourself, quiet your thoughts. If you're a breastfeeding mom or a mom of littles, you'd want to rest your skin from touch, right? Tell your husband he should take over bedtime duties so your skin can rest. In my experience, if I can't carve out time for myself at night, I can't get into the mood for sex. I need at least 30 minutes of Me Time first!

3. Take a shower.
It's so hard for me to feel sexy when I smell like sweat, laundry detergent, toilet cleaner, and cooking oil. Vince used to tell me that he doesn't care what I smell like. And I always retort, "Well, I do!" I just can't do it when I can smell garlic on my fingers. So while Vince is reading bedtime stories to the kids, I lock myself in the shower and wash away all the traces of my day. Then I pretty up my face, go all glowy. Then I apply lotion. Spray on his favorite perfume. He may like me whatever I look and smell like but I need to like myself before I can feel sexy. And I like it when I smell nice and fresh, when my skin is nice and soft, when my hair is pretty. I feel confident to go naked when I know I look, smell, and feel nice. 

4. Listen to love songs.
My favorite is "Crack the Shutters" by Snow Patrol. It's such a gentle yet sexy song about waking up next to someone you love, watching him sleep and wake up, and then exploring each other's body in the soft sunlight. Can anything be more intimate? And when you've been together 21 years and still feel that wonder... it makes me all soft and gooey inside! This song makes me want to go run my fingers all over Vince's skin and make him mine all over again.

I've found that love songs remind me of how much I love my husband. They remind me of who I was before I became a mother. Sometimes I get so steeped in all things mommy that I forget I'm a wife, too. So love songs get me in the mood for romance.


5. Fill your head with sexy.
There's romance and then there's raunchy. Like I said earlier, your brain is your biggest sex organ so you need to make it think of sex. Lovey-dovey is nice, okay. I love it when Vince writes me letters, gives me flowers, and especially when he tells me I'm beautiful. It makes me think, "Oh, he loves me!" But when he grabs me and kisses me, I think, "Oh, he wants me!"

Most of the time, though, we're too distracted by all the things on our To Do list that when the hubby grabs us, it's more annoying than flattering. So we need to think sexy, too. Some people watch porn but I don't like watching other people do it. Some people like dirty text messages. I would be naughty but my kids sometimes borrow my phone and text their Papa so gotta keep that clean. What I do like is naughty reads. I took an erotic writing class back in college and wrote a few sexy stories myself (and got into the U.P. National Writers Workshop where I found the great love of my life!).

I don't write fiction anymore but I love Literotica.com. There's a wealth of kinky stories there—nothing is off-limits. But I stay away from the weird ones. I like reading the romantic ones, like this: "April's Fool." Read it! It's torrid at the start. Okay, it's torrid throughout, I won't lie. But it's a well-written story, there's character development, fantasy, and a nice build-up of romance that is sooo satisfying in the end. After reading it, you'll feel all sorts of out of sorts that can only be relieved by a proper lovemaking session!

6. Do it regularly.
There's no other way around it, ladies. If you want to always be in the mood for sex, you have to have sex regularly. I think it's because you get addicted to all the hormones your body releases while making love. Some time ago, I was talking with my OB-GYNE, Dr. Rebecca Singson, about my lack of interest in sex, and she advised me that the only way to get in the mood is to just do it and do it often, too. She said, "You have to look at it as play. Our children need to play every day, right? At least 2 hours of play for proper growth and development. Why can't adults play, too? Think of sex as play. It's healthy. It's good for you. Do it every day!"

I'm not doing it every day yet. But we're doing it often enough now that my husband is even more in love with me. It's really so fun! We're discovering new things about our bodies and what we like in bed—and that sure is something considering we've been together for 21 years. One thing we haven't tried is sex toys. But I found this new sex toy shop and it's right here in the Philippines. I'm so excited about it. Mamas, check out Noti.ph. I love how the site is so professional and classy. And informative, too. I haven't bought anything yet but after quarantine ends, I'm going shopping!

I hope my oversharing today helped you, mamas! If you have other tips, please do spill. We wives need to help each other keep our marriages not just alive but hot and exciting, too!

*images by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha

11 comments:

  1. "...you'll feel all sorts of out of sorts that can only be relieved by a proper lovemaking session!

    I really love how you write! :) Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Oh thank you! I hope you visited Literotica. Nakakaloka siya haha

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  2. "I've found that love songs remind me of how much I love my husband. They remind me of who I was before I became a mother. Sometimes I get so steeped in all things mommy that I forget I'm a wife, too. So love songs get me in the mood for romance."

    You just steal words right out of my mount. Choss lang, you articulate what I feel really well. I never really was a music-lover. I mean, I appreciate it but I can live without it. Lately, I rediscovered music. It's because when I listen to love songs I remember how we were back then; how we'd hold hands the whole time we're together, how we would kiss passionately.

    Listening to love songs put me in the mood for making love. It's true what you wrote.

    This is also very insightful for me because my husband does more chores than me. :D

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    1. Yes! It's like what that old movie Dead Poets Society said,that "Language was invented for one reason - to woo women." I think songs are the same. :)

      I hope my post helped! And congrats on having a hands-on hubby who loves being hands on with you, too!

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    2. I wish he'd put his hands on me more often though :D I'll help out with chores more so he'll be in the mood for sex more often HAHAH!

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  3. Grabe that Literotica, Ms Frances! And wow that Noti site. I think I will shop also after ECQ! hihi

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    1. Hindi pa nga ako makapili! There are many types of vibrators pala! Tell me what you pick out, okay?

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  4. Wow! Thank you for sharing, Frances. Sex should be talked about more. It's empowering for us wives especially.

    Like you, I haven't tried sex toys yet. I didn't know where to buy! There are a lot at Lazada but I don't know why I don't want to buy there. It doesn't feel safe hahaha I like that Noti shop you talked about. Please do a review! It looks like a new shop so I cannot find reviews online yet.

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    1. I agree with you about how talking about sex is empowering for everyone, not just wives and women.

      I disagree with doing a review hahahaha HOW CAN I??? Baka maging X-rated my blog haha

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  5. Hi there! I am so happy and excited to read this article. Many people are being shy talking about such an issue. It makes us a little bit chained.

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    1. Yes, we should talk about it! So we won't feel so alone in our marriage issues =)

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