Thursday, March 03, 2016
The one and only time I get consumed with envy
I don't dwell on this too much but I sometimes wonder what it feels like to be a mommy and also still have a mommy. Because I now have the hardest job in the world which means I need my Mama more than ever, and I don't have her.
On weekends, I try not to be on Facebook so much. My mom friends are usually visiting their parents or their parents are visiting them. There will be a feast their mom prepared. There will be photos of Lola helping with the baby. There will be piles of Tupperware containers because of course their mom cooked waaaaay too much and she'd tell her daughters to bring home the food and then my friends will all say, "Yey, I don't need to cook anymore. Thanks, mom!" Then there will be photos of my friends with their moms and the kids, all smiling and happy.
And I take a step back, filled with longing for my own mother. I feel envy, but not the envy that makes you wish ill on others. It's an envy that makes me feel sorry for myself. And makes me feel sorry for Mama, too, that she's missing all this. I know she's in heaven and all, and, sure, that's a better place. But I think being with your family IS the real heaven. I don't think I'll ever be happy in a place without my family. So when people tell me she's in a better place and that she's happier there, well, that makes me feel really bad. She shouldn't be there. She should be here.