Thursday, March 03, 2016

The one and only time I get consumed with envy


I don't dwell on this too much but I sometimes wonder what it feels like to be a mommy and also still have a mommy. Because I now have the hardest job in the world which means I need my Mama more than ever, and I don't have her.


On weekends, I try not to be on Facebook so much. My mom friends are usually visiting their parents or their parents are visiting them. There will be a feast their mom prepared. There will be photos of Lola helping with the baby. There will be piles of Tupperware containers because of course their mom cooked waaaaay too much and she'd tell her daughters to bring home the food and then my friends will all say, "Yey, I don't need to cook anymore. Thanks, mom!" Then there will be photos of my friends with their moms and the kids, all smiling and happy.


And I take a step back, filled with longing for my own mother. I feel envy, but not the envy that makes you wish ill on others. It's an envy that makes me feel sorry for myself. And makes me feel sorry for Mama, too, that she's missing all this. I know she's in heaven and all, and, sure, that's a better place. But I think being with your family IS the real heaven. I don't think I'll ever be happy in a place without my family. So when people tell me she's in a better place and that she's happier there, well, that makes me feel really bad. She shouldn't be there. She should be here.


11 comments:

  1. hi, ms. frances :) this is a very sad post. i don't want to imagine life without my mama because she has always been there for me. my son is with her now and she takes care of him, as i work here in the big city. i envy you because you get to work and still have the time (and be together all the time) to be with your kids :)

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  2. Your mom's not with you anymore kaya hindi niyo na nagagawa yung mga nagagawa ng friends mo. I don't know if it will make you feel better but there are people who have mothers na hindi nila nakakasama kahit buhay pa. No other reason but walang time para sa anak. Or may favoritism. Or sadyang nakalimutan na ang ibang niya. Ang sad, 'di ba? Sigh. #truestory

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  3. Hugs, Frances. Even if you get sad sometimes, I'm sure your Mama is happy seeing you and your kids. You're an amazing Mom :)

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  4. You are so cute Ms. Frances. Your baby photo looks exactly as Piero now! Hugs to you. We are all sure that your mom is super duper proud of where you are now.

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  5. I've been following you for the longest time, few times I felt the same way, but I think this post just hit me. I lost my Mom a year ago. During the first night of her wake, many people were telling me "she is in a better place.." I get that, no more pain and all.. but how could she be in a better place without us, her family? That's why when I read your last few lines, I was heartbroken again. It has been a year, and I still miss her that it aches. I think about her often. I wish for more time, hugs, talks and everything. But I don't see it all as a bad thing. Maybe in one way or another, Ms Frances, our Moms know that they are loved. Maybe that is a proof that Love conquers death. I wish you well.


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  6. This piece definitely hits home. We lost our mama 9 years ago and having older siblings with their own families and kids, I can't help but feel sad that we and our mama were deprived of experiencing this together. SIGH

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  7. THIS PART MADE ME CRY..."So when people tell me she's in a better place and that she's happier there, well, that makes me feel really bad. She shouldn't be there. She should be here." My almost husband died 3 months ago. he was 30yo. he was mine for 4 years and we really wanted to get married. too bad, he couldn't make it at the i.c.u. i have lotsa memories, buy i never wanted memories, i want him here with me...

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  8. This post hits home..

    I lost my mom 6 years ago to Cancer and everytime I go to the mall and see mom and daughters shopping together, I cry inside. It hurts more now that I'm a new mom. I want her to see and take care of her first apo. I want her to be proud that I'm breastfeeding my son. I miss her everyday. We will never be the same, no?

    God bless!

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  9. Hits so close to home, missing my father-in-law a year after he passed on from cancer. It's hard because it still stings that he is not physically around even if I know he is free from pain. Hugs to you, and will include you in prayers.

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  10. Hi Ms Frances! This is my favorite post of yours. I can't really relate because my mom is still with me and I'm technically as single mom so my baby and I live with her pa. I just really appreciated my mom more when I saw your post. Nevertheless, I too have sad thoughs and a bit of regrets thinking before I gave her a granddaughter, I should have given her a comfortable life first and spoiled her rotten. Of course she wouldn't think like this because we love my little 7-month old darling Cerena so much but I just feel that I could have taken her to places and all before giving her another "alagain". She helps me take care of my baby when I work. I try to make it easier for her by working online, so I still have time to take care of my baby. We really must cherish our parents while they are still with us, and now that I have my daughter, I learned to appreciate and love my mom even more. I cannot imagine our life if she's not with us. I pray for you and your mom. Just always think positive.��

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  11. can so relate. missing my mom every single day

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