TOPAZ HORIZON

Saturday, May 09, 2020

Not invisible

This was in my drafts folder, in 2016. I don't know why I never published it but here it is because it made me happy reading it now, the day before Mother's Day of such an extraordinary year. It's such an ordinary story and I want to remember it forever.

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"You're just like our youngest boy."

My husband Vince declared this yesterday while our toddler woke up languidly from a long nap.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You stretch when you wake up," he replied. "There," he nodded towards our youngest boy. "Just like that."

Later at dinner, Vince added, "He is really just like you. He's stubborn like you. He's cute like you." He said this while he was spooning chopseuy onto his plate, matter-of-fact, absorbed in his dinner, very casual, no gooey eyes. Like he was saying, Just sayin'.

Later in bed, I realized with a start that Vince watches me. And so I kinda went a bit panicky, aware I've let myself go since we had kids. I'm 25 lbs heavier since the day we met. I'm all stretched out in the tummy area. The boobs and butt areas, too, if I'm going to be honest. I dress for comfort not for style or sex. I'm a mom now and this mom is usually busy and exhausted and annoyed and exasperated. What does he see? Does he like what he sees?

Well, he said I'm cute like our toddler. I don't know if 40 and cute go together but he still enjoys being with me, talking with me, and apparently looking at me, too. After almost 18 years together, he still looks at me. He still looks at me! He still sees me, he still wants to know me. And he still loves me.

And then I remembered all those times I rushed past him, on the way to a crying, needy, demanding, angry, hungry, sleepy, poopy, sick, or whatever-it-is-this-time child; and all those times he said he wanted to chat and I said, "I'm tired;" and all those times I was so busy working I didn't even look up from my computer when he said, "Hi." I remembered and I wondered if he hopes I see him, too.

Because I do. I do! I always think of him whatever I do. I always look at him, too, when I can, when I'm not looking down at the kids, the chores, the work. I wonder if he doesn't see that I see him the way I don't see that he sees me.

My heart is feeling tender now. My husband still sees me. I don't even care now if he likes what he sees. The fact that he's still looking means he still cares (and he must still like what he sees!).

I'm not invisible.

Thank you, Vince. I see you and all that you do for us. Now I need to make sure you know you're not invisible, too.

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Update, January 2021: This blog post is part of my first book, Not Invisible, my mom-oir! Grab a copy from Ukiyoto Publishing and Amazon.

Friday, May 08, 2020

What it's like to be quarantined in Côte d'Azur in the South of France

Many years ago, before AirBnB, my friends and I joked that each of us should buy a house in a different country so we can stay over there for holidays and we won't need to spend on hotels. Well, it's come true. They have scattered with the wind save for me, still here in Manila. Thank goodness for social media and messaging apps, we can keep tabs on each other!

Like us, my friends are also quarantined in their little spot on the globe. I still can't believe it, how all over the world, we are fighting this COVID-19 pandemic together. It suddenly makes the world such a small place. My friend, Nicole, suggested I share how people's lives are like everywhere during this strange time. It was a fantabulous idea! It will make us feel less alone in our cooped-up existence by making us virtually visit someone far away. I hope you agree!

Pogi ng asawa ni Nic!

So today, let me introduce you to my friend, Nicole. If you're a Loyal Reader, you must've spotted her here and there in old blog posts. We became friends while working as magazine editors. Nicole was the super chic and talented beauty editor of Cosmopolitan before becoming the freelance beauty editor of OK! magazine. These days, she's not on my blog anymore because I haven't seen her in years since she married and moved to the South of France. She is delightfully happy and soooo in love these days. I can imagine how lovely it must be to be required to be stuck at home with the love of your life in such a gorgeous place as Côte d'Azur! Here's what her life's like:

What are your lockdown rules specifically?

The lockdown rules in France are pretty much the same for the whole country. The only difference (that I am aware of) is that a few cities require you to wear a mask or implement certain curfews.

Whenever we go out, we have to prepare a form called the Attestation de Déplacement Dérogatoire. It's like a permission slip where you have to enter your personal details and indicate the pre-approved reasons for going out: essential work, groceries, exercise, to walk your dog, urgent family matters like if you’re sharing custody of children, medical appointments, etc. The attestation can be handwritten, but if it’s printed or filled up on your phone, then it comes with a QR code that can be scanned at checkpoints. If you don’t respect the rules, you get a €135 fine for the first offense.

Still stylish even in the empty streets!

How is your town taking to the lockdown?

I think everyone is doing the best they can. At 8 p.m., people gather by their windows to pay tribute to the frontliners—you’ll hear clapping, random trumpet playing, dance music, occasional fireworks, and even boats blaring their horns. The only thing that’s strange to me is that I see a lot of people walking around and even kids playing outside without masks. But our town started distributing them for free to encourage residents to wear them and you can also buy masks at groceries and pharmacies now, so hopefully this will change.

How do you get your food?

My husband goes to the grocery every two weeks. So far, the stock situation has been fairly good and there are delivery options available. Our local market and some restaurants have also opened for takeout recently. But I think the funniest thing I noticed was that a lot of people were ordering wine for pickup from one of our neighborhood restaurants. Of course, the French need their wine!

Nic prepared this for their Easter meal.

Another Nic confection. I don't know how this couple stays slim!

You can go out! Whyyyyyy???

Everyone is allowed to go out for exercise once a day for one hour and within one kilometer of your home. We’ve been on strict lockdown since March 16, but we only started going out for short walks towards the end of April since we wanted to stay home as much as possible. But now that masks are more available and the weather is warmer, we take walks on paths where we run into less people maybe 2-3 times a week. It's been good for our sanity!

What will you do once lockdown lifts?

Since we live near the sea, I find myself daydreaming about going on a nice picnic and taking a dip in the ocean. I definitely hope I can visit Manila again soon because it’s unnerving when you don't know when you'll be able to see your family again! But I try not to think about these things too much since everything is so unpredictable anyway. I just take it a day at a time and try to appreciate the simple things. As long as everyone is healthy and safe at the end of the day, that’s all that truly matters.

Oh, what a view! The South of France is one of the prettiest places in the world.

What have you been doing during quarantine?

We usually spend most of the day cooking and baking! Making bread really helped me relax and experimenting with different recipes in the kitchen made us both happy. I tried studying a little French and did some yoga a couple of times a week, but it never really stuck. So I switched to crocheting while he'd watch a series on Netflix or catch up on the news. After dinner, we turn off our screens and play a game of cards, Monopoly Deal, backgammon, checkers—something old school. And of course, there's Instagram, Facetime calls, and lots of texting with friends and family. Making videos for those with birthdays in my family actually became a trend, so I think we also made at least four or five of those. My husband also learned to cut his own hair! I'm hoping I can teach him how to give me a manicure next! Haha!

Nic making the most of quarantine by baking bread.

Gosh, I miss this woman. Nicole's quarantine diary sounds dreamy — I'm looking forward to spending time at her place instead of an AirBnB! But even she lets slip that there is anxiety for the uncertain days ahead for all of us. Well, we can choose to despair or we can make our shuttered life at home beautiful, safe and heavenly for us and the ones we love just like Nic did!

Get to know more of Nic's adventures by following her on Instagram @beautyandsparkl!

Have a good weekend safe and healthy at home, mamas!

Thursday, April 30, 2020

A joyous labor: Jennifer Lopez on the necessity of working and how she deals with working-mom guilt

I need that pink bag!

Even though I follow @jlo on Instagram, it's only now that I saw her videos for the Coach Spring 2020 campaign called "Originals Go Their Own Way". At 50 years old, Jennifer Lopez is having a really good year (good for her) that kicked off with her jaw-dropping performance at the Super Bowl, nominations for her role in Hustler, and her numerous brand endorsements. And yet, as her famous song goes, she's still Jenny from the block and her every interview just shows a woman who is warm and funny and real. Which is exactly what I want to always be!

I'm loving her little NY Minute interviews for Coach. This one, where she talks about being a mom, is especially inspiring for me as a working mom.

The best thing that happened to Jennifer is not her phenomenal career. It was her twins, Max and Emme. I remember covering this story for OK! magazine way back in 2008. As the editor, I was hell-bent on getting the photos and exclusive interview. And we got it! It was a beautiful feature but one I—as a newlywed with no desire for kids—didn't understand.

In London for the 2008 OK! annual conference and so proud of our cover.

Now that I have my own kids, I can appreciate Mommy JLo better. She says in her Coach video, "Your whole perspective on the world changes. It's all about [the kids]—how you can be better for them, how you need to be better for them. [With] my type of work, I'm lucky that I can have [my family with me]. Because when they're there, they empower me to soar. I want to make them proud."

For Jennifer, being better means never getting complacent, which kinda stung because I wasn't dreaming anymore. I've already had my dream career come true before so I believed that I can't get greedy. I'm lucky I had that. Now I can be a nobody, just be there for my family, dream for them not for myself. But what JLo said stirred something in me. The old me. Perhaps the real me. I want to dream again! I want to conquer something again!

And if the new dreams make life as a mommy harder? Jennifer says, "I think they wish I didn't work as much but I think they also appreciate all they have because of it. Just like anybody's life, it's not perfect but we make the best of it. Just like every working mom... there's not just enough hours in the day sometimes but it's a joyous labor making it all happen."

A joyous labor. I love it! I finally have the words to describe what motherhood is. It's so succinct. So perfect. Motherhood is hard work and the work never ends. But it is also joyful and though we're exhausted all the time, we can't imagine life without this joy.

Here's Jennifer being interviewed by People magazine's Jess Cagle in 2017 [full interview here]. He was asking her about her comeback way back in 2011, when she was a new mom and she was 42 years old (ancient in Hollywood) but that was when she launched her mega-successful album LOVE? and invaded homes everywhere as a judge on American Idol. Jennifer said she was a new woman and the world needed to see the new JLo. "Here's what changed in my life: I had given birth. I had given birth and the kids honestly gave me a new direction. They just made me realize what was real and what wasn't real... They just changed everything."

And instead of feeling, as I did, that motherhood means retreating from the world, for JLo, it meant conquering it. She said, "It's true! There is a thing that happens and 'On The Floor' honestly was me [going]: 'Get back out there. You're an animal. You're a beast! Pull up your panties and get back out there!'"

"Here's what happened: I had the kids, and I started working on some more music and I started thinking about life in a different way. Like I said, I started asking more questions of myself, of love, of what was right and what was wrong, all because I wanted their life to be great, too. And I knew for their life to be great, my life had to be great. I had to fix some things."

And boy did she fix things. Actress, singer, dancer, fashion designer, producer, author, and businesswoman. And mother! Jennifer does all that she does while she's a devoted mother. I am so inspired! Of course I'm aware our situations are different. I know I'd be able to work better if I had household help, for instance. But just dreaming again is a big step, I think! I want to do something again apart from motherhood, for myself really, that my kids will see and be proud of.

As moms, we all know our children are our priority. That's a given. It's so easy to get lost in motherhood, however, and we forget we are more than moms, that we were someone before we became moms, that we can be something else, too, while we are moms. It's been a struggle for me to go beyond motherhood because it's easier for me to focus on just one thing. But I want to always push myself to work. For my own fulfillment, yes, but also for my boys. I need my sons to see me as more than their mama, because that will color how they see women for the rest of their life. I need them to see women as more than just a devoted wife and a nurturing mother, but as a fully realized human being with dreams and goals and ambition and drive and power.

That is my joyous labor. I'm so excited! Now let's dance to some 20 years of JLo tunes!