Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Silly dream, serious realizations

Let's take a break from all the sponsored posts I'm doing so I can tell you about this absurd nightmare I had the other morning.

In my dream, I had won Binibining Pilipinas. In my dream, sobrang grabe ang ganda ko, kahit ako napa-wow sa sarili ko. I was perfect. My hair was thick and glossy, my arms and legs smooth and slim, my tummy flat and firm, my teeth straight, my face flawless. I won Bb. Pilipinas-Universe!!!

But curiously, I was dismayed. I hid in an obscure bed and breakfast, I hid for so long that tabloids were splashing ugly stories about me on their front pages. Finally, I went home to my parents' house. Papa was so happy to see me. Mama was so proud, too. I should have realized at this point that this was a dream. Haha, posible pang manalo ako ng beauty pageant pero imposible yung buhay si Mama, diba, so dapat I said at this point, "Oh it's just a dream!" But, no, I still didn't get that this was a dream; in my head, I thought it was all real.

Anyway! Papa was so proud. He said, "Everyone's talking about you! Magandang publicity stunt yung nawala ka ng ilang araw. Magaling ka talaga sa PR, anak!" I didn't respond. I was looking for something, looking here and there.

Papa kept on talking. "Ang problema na lang natin is paano natin itatago si Vince at mga bata. Syempre, Bb. Pilipinas-Universe ka na. Hindi pwedeng may asawa't anak ka!"

And that was when I said, "Papa, asan si Vince? Asan ang mga anak ko?"

"Don't think about them!" Papa said. "One year lang naman ang reign mo so tiisin mo muna sila. Mas importante we prepare you for Miss Universe!"

I started crying. "No, no. I have to see them! I have to see them now. I don't want to be Bb. Pilipinas. Paano ba ako nanalo? Hindi naman ako rumampa??!" LOL dapat, right, but mega-tears ako nito. I was crying so hard as I said, "I'll tell everyone the truth! I'm not a binibini! I'm a wife! I'm a mother! I want to see Vince and my kids!"

And then Papa and Mama looked at me with anger and disappointment. Papa said, "Ganyan ka talaga. Selfish! Minsan ka na nga lang nagbigay sa amin ng Mama mo ng reason to be proud of you and so typical of you, uunahin mo na naman ang sarili mo!"

And that was when I woke up. I still thought it was real because the first thing I did was look for Vince, Vito and Iñigo. To my relief, Vince was asleep beside me but I had a few seconds of panic when I didn't see the boys in the house. I quickly remembered, and this was when I finally shuddered off my nightmare, that the babies are in the playground. I was okay. I was home. I was with the most important people in my life in my most important role.

Silly stupid dream, right? Right. Vince was laughing throughout my kwento. I was laughing, too, lalo na dun sa part when I said hindi naman ako rumampa. But I found myself conjuring my dream again and again, if only to see Mama's face again and again. So even though it was a ridiculous nightmare, it was okay.

You know, it was never my mission in life to please my parents. Neither did I go out of my way to disappoint them, mind. I remember a conversation with Mama when I was in my teens. We just had an argument but when we'd calmed down, I told her, "It's not that I'm being disobedient or being difficult or that I want to cause you pain. I just want to live. Whatever that means. Please let me live."

My parents never wanted me to be a writer, never wanted me to have a career. They just wanted me to get married, have kids, serve the Lord. But they did let me be. They disapproved of my college course, Creative Writing, but they let me take it. They disapproved of my boyfriends but they treated them all well. They didn't like that Vince and I were getting waaaaaaay too involved but they treated Vince like their son. They didn't understand my career choices but they were happy I seemed to be a success. They didn't like that I waited and waited to get pregnant but when I finally did become a mother, Papa—because Mama was no longer around—just congratulated me happily.

So I know that maybe I was a disappointment to my parents because I didn't turn out the way they dreamed it when I was born and they dreamed their dreams as they counted my fingers and toes. But I also know that they're fiercely proud of me despite that. I'm grateful they allowed me to be who I am and to live my life the way I wanted. It must have been so difficult for them to see me struggle and fail and not lift a finger to help because I insisted I didn't need help. They allowed me to grow, to be me, and eventually to realize on my own the truths they always knew and tried to teach me.

So my nightmare was absurd because it isn't true. My parents are proud of me, even though I took a different path, even though I was different from them, even though my dreams weren't their dreams. They let go. They let me be. I am forever grateful for their trust.


Trivia: I was a beauty queen in high school. No joke!

10 comments:

  1. Natawa ako dun sa hindi ka naman rumampa. Talagang nagjustify pa! :-)

    My dad wanted me study in UP and to be in the medical field. Kaya they prepared for it and got 2 educ plans for me. I studied in La Salle and graduated with a degree in business management. My dad was disappointed but still very happy for me. Especially when my dad found out that Don (my hubby)is a Pharmacist and studied in UP, I know my dad was secretly pleased :-) haha! I think parents are most proud when they see their kids happy. I'm glad I make them proud :-)

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    1. Someone said that when parents say, "I just want to see you happy," it means the kid is a loser hahaha. Kasi hindi nag-succeed daw sa life so the parents will settle for happiness LOL

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  2. What a dream!!! Funny siya pero kinikilabutan ako at the same time! =) Ano kaya ibig sabihin nun?

    Anyways, that is something that I'm trying to learn now. How to guide Anika to make the right choices and decisions in her life without making paki-alam sa mga decisions niya. Hard ano?

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    1. Ayoko malaman ang meaning niya, Fleur!

      As for being a parent, yes, you're correct. As parents, it's natural for us to want to take away the struggle and pain from our kids. Kung pwedeng ibigay na lang natin ang lahat-lahat! But we also know, if we're good parents, that doing that won't do our children any good. Ika nga ni Dory sa Finding Nemo, "You can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him."

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  3. I really wished i had that courage you had when i was younger. :( I took a course that my parents liked and didn't listened to my heart. but nevertheless, making them happy is one of my fulfillment in life. i just thought this time, i want to make myself happy naman. your post is really very inspiring. im an invisible fan of yours and im so glad to have this gut to comment at last! :))

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    1. Thanks for finally commenting =D

      I don't believe in regrets, especially if our decisions were made because of love. You made your parents happy and that makes you happy. That's a good thing!

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  4. I love this posting. I just had a ridiculous dream too about my parents. I'll share it sometime. Anyway, that's how I felt too with my parents. I felt like I am a disappointment but I know they are proud of me...

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  5. I had mixed feelings while reading this. At first I was laughing, then at the end of the post I actually learned a few things. I think parents are really like that. They disapprove but in the end they still support us. :)

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    1. Ya, even though I'm comedy, I can still be profound! Hahaha!

      Parents are the best =)

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