TOPAZ HORIZON

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A couple of weeks ago, my friend Kate invited me to the introductory meeting for the Landmark Forum. The Landmark Forum is a weekend seminar (that costs a whopping 19k, meals not included!) that will help you achieve your dreams, overcome the barriers in your life, improve personal relationships, and basically help turn you from a loser into a winner. How they do this I do not know. It's a tightly guarded secret unless you fork over the cash and attend the seminar in January or February.

Now I have nothing against groups of people who like to help others so I trotted along and found it all very interesting. I especially was amazed that Kate—my neurotic insecure and overly-nice friend who lets people trample all over her (yes, she's that sweet!)—has changed into this lovely peaceful and confident woman. So this forum must be doing wonders. Her relationships with her family, boyfriend and friends have improved, she says. And I believe her. In some circles, this change can be attributed to finding God. In Kate's case, she found the Landmark Forum.

Vince says there's nothing wrong with that. "We find God in all sorts of forms and places," he shrugged. Well, seeing the change in Kate, I'm glad she found her answers.

Anyway, she brought me there because she says she wanted my life to be better. This surprised me. My life is great! My only problem with my life is it's so great I'm scared something bad will happen to balance out the positive. Like I keep mentioning in this blog, I feel I need to pinch myself sometimes to make sure I'm not dreaming because life is so good.

Apparently, Kate doesn't think so. And so did the other people at Landmark Forum. Take this conversation for example:

Man: You're saying you have everything you want?
Me: Well, I'd like a marriage, and that's happening soon... so yes, I do have everything I want.
Man: Your relationships are perfect?
Me: Nope, but I am constantly working on those relationships. My parents, my family and my boyfriend know I love them to bits. We argue sometimes but we fix things soon enough. We like to talk, you know. So it's not perfect but it's wonderful.
Man: And your career is okay? Don't you want to be a boss?
Me: Er, I already am a boss. And yes, my job is very fulfilling.
Man: (shaking his head and smiling) No, no, no. You're only 30. You can't be happy!

So I was very frustrated and irritated! I mean, why must I defend my life to these people? Why can't they believe I'm happy? Yes, I used to be very angry and insecure but I've dealt with those issues. It took me a decade or so but I'm glad to report my anger is gone and my insecurities are over. How did that happen? By having this huge faith in God. I would never have reached this state of completion and happiness if it were not for God's grace and mercy. He has blessed me profoundly and I am humbled every single day because He continues to be there for me, guiding me, scolding me, comforting me, blessing me. He is the one friend of all my friends who never betrayed me, never failed me, never disappointed me. He was always there through my anger and bitterness and hate at life and the world and people. He brought me through all that. And He's still doing that because I admit, the demons of my anger and hate still haunt me sometimes. And when those shadows come, then I call on Him and He is there.

That is why I am happy. And that is why my life is good. Because God is good. And I trust Him, only Him, with my life.

But it surprised me that the people around me don't see my life that way. I guess it's because I'm not living the traditional life. I'm 30 but I'm not married. Most every girl I know my age has a husband and about three kids. I don't like having a lot of friends (residue of having been betrayed and hurt by my friends before) but the ones I do have, I treasure. So I guess people find it weird that my idea of a good time is being alone with a book, or alone with Vince, or alone with a friend or two. I don't like big gatherings, big parties, and big places filled with people, but since it's part of my job, I've learned to deal with it. I still don't like it but I can be cool. And I'm okay with myself being like this. Sadly, other people don't think that's okay.

On my side, I'm also guilty about this perception of happiness in other people. Yup, I realized that, too. A couple of months ago, I berated my brother Theodore and his girlfriend Rose for wanting to get married with only P3,000 in their bank account. I said they were fools. I also said that they will never be happy because he's a temperamental artist and she's a simple quiet girl. Well, what do I know about their relationship anyway? They've been together for ten years. There must be something there I couldn't see, the way Kate couldn't see my happiness. Some people think it's okay to get married even without money. Some people think opposites attract. So what do I know? Rose told me later on that she did not deserve to be judged that way. And you know, she's right. I don't know her. And she also told me that she knew my family didn't want her for Theodore but that she stuck around because she loved him. So she must be made of sterner stuff. She also said that she will never become close to my family, she won't even try. And you know what? I'm okay with that. It's not right I think, because marriage is all about family... but whatever rocks their boat, I can come to respect.

I think like this now because I realized that people have their own standards for happiness. Mine? As long as I'm writing and reading and can buy myself a pretty pair of shoes now and then, I'm happy. As long as Vince is around, I'm happy. As long as my family is healthy, I'm happy. Some people think a marriage and kids will make them happy. Some people think a career will, or a pet, or a house by the beach, or lots of friends, or the approval of others. We're all different.

And that should be okay.

...to myself.

Breathtakingly beautiful Steve Madden heels. Hot pink satin. Baby pink leather trim. Naughty ribbon around the sexy heel.

Bought the pair off eBay. I paid more than I usually allow myself for shoes. I winced when I handed over the cash. But you've got to agree that these heels are special.

Vince did. Well, of course...!

But as these had cost me a pretty penny, I'm going to declare these not just my birthday gift, but my Christmas and Valentine's gift to myself as well!

UPDATE: I wore them to my wedding on April 18, 2007. They were the best shoes I ever bought.

Photo from Pexels.com

I turned 30 this week, folks. And I gotta say it's not so bad at all. Vince told me that 33 is the crisis age ("Jesus saved the world at 33... What have I done?!") so I have 3 more happy years left, I guess! Although from how my life has turned out, I'd dare say that life is just getting better.

* * * * * * *

When I was 10, I realized I wanted nothing more than to be a writer. Mama and papa weren't so happy with that but while they always made it clear they disapproved of my career choice, they nevertheless encouraged me to pursue it. So 20 years later, it's sweet to see my parents proud and happy that I've fulfilled a dream that may not have been theirs, but they accepted it anyway.

My gratitude to mama and papa is profound and endless.

* * * * * * *

When I was 13, I decided I must be an editor-in-chief of a magazine by 35. Well, I was 29 when it happened. Though I'm not complaining (who would?!?), I confess I'm kinda at a loss right now on what to do next.

I want to be published. I've always wanted to write a book and be published. That will be the day... to see my work in black and white, bound and displayed on a bookstore shelf, and I can open the pages and sniff them, and realize in ecstasy that the words are mine.

* * * * * * *

I'm not very good at fiction, although my Creative Writing professors and fellows at the UP National Writers Workshop may disagree (I hope!). Philippine writing greats Jing Hidalgo, Jimmy Abad and Butch Dalisay seem to have liked my fiction (I was likened to Raymond Carver but when I read him I felt we weren't similar at all!). Other esteemed local writers like Charlson Ong, however, sneered at my attempts.

I don't really mind because fiction isn't my forte; I'm more comfortable with essays. My professors Marra Lanot and Neil Garcia will maybe agree that I write non-fiction well. Even the formidable journalist Jo-Ann Maglipon told me I write well.

I've always been a competent essay writer. I'm very confident about that. What I'm not very confident about is getting a book out there. It's insane really. To hell with modesty but whenever I open a newspaper or a magazine here, all I read is terrible writing. Terrible! Some celebrated columnists in our major newspapers can't even get their prepositions right (Truth to tell, I like reading Tessa's column and Tim's... that's about it). At the very least you expect your newspapers and magazines to hire people who have their grammar down pat. But I know that these days, it's celebrity that matters, not competence.

* * * * * * *

Aside from getting moody about the state of Philippine literature, I also am aghast at the state of local television. I have to watch local TV because I'm in the celebrity business, and it pains me. I am literally wincing. Watching local shows is like putting a gun to your head and blowing your brains out. Man, what a waste of life. The sadder and scarier thing about this all is majority of the 85 million Filipinos lap it up.

* * * * * * *

Now this is what people should be watching...


Battlestar Galactica is the best television show I've watched in ages. Nothing else comes close. Absolutely nothing.

This sci-fi show is the best example of magnificent writing, dynamic special effects, emphatic human drama, and excellent acting.

I hope people will start watching stuff like BSG rather than the inane monstrosities out there.

* * * * * * *

So I go back to my dilemma: What's left to do now that I've achieved my ambition at 30?

I don't know... Life is wonderful as it is. I'm in shock sometimes on how things have turned out so well. I used to think that happiness was for other people. Now I know better.

I like 30. It's a very good age to be.