I think I'm finally out of a depression. Regular readers, you know I haven't had a good November. Now, I think I can finally explain what happened. A huge opportunity was offered to me the day before my birthday. It's so huge--in terms of prestige and money--that I was, and still am, reeling from it, so dazzled and flattered was I.
This is a good thing, right? Well, it is. But even as I thought about and then finally accepted the new opportunity, I began wondering if I made the right decision. It wasn't actually a done deal yet--I still had to go through some processes--but as I went through each step, I began to get restless. The littlest things upset me. I had a hard time sleeping. I would often find myself sighing and crying quietly but regularly like the maddening dripping from broken kitchen faucets.
I went on shopping sprees (will blog about my new vintage finds soon!). I became more tired than usual. I stopped doing my chores. My clothes and papers started piling up, my mess started creeping from my desk and my side of our bed to the living and dining areas. Vince, very neat and organized Vince, kept quiet but offered gently to help clean up, and I'd say, "No, no, I'll do that myself." But I won't. At work, I projected my happy self. But inside I was feeling unsure and stressed, and couldn't find pleasure in the job I love.
The few who knew about the offer (except OK!'s managing editor Lana and our ninong sa kasal who thought the brand was a dinosaur) was just as dazzled. They said, "Take it! Take it!" And I did! I felt like I grew shinier in their eyes. But as the final interview ended and the Americans said they were "very impressed," I ended that overseas call with a heavy heart, wiped my tears away and looked through OK! magazine and realized I just can't leave it. Not yet. I also wasn't ready to spend 24/7 doing something new--I'm like that: When I'm involved in a new project, I forsake everything else. When my mother died, I haven't seen her in almost 2 months, because I was that busy. I don't want to be that busy again.
So yesterday, after exactly 5 weeks of incredible highs and crushing lows, I turned down the offer. The night before, I alarmed Vince by sobbing my explanation: "I'm happy where I am now. I want to be grateful, not greedy." I think Vince was confused--being a man, he is the conquering type and thought the offer would be a great challenge, which he knew I liked. He also liked the money. Hell, I did, too. But I've always followed my heart, and look where my heart brought me--OK! magazine, my lovely home, and most wonderful of all, my darling husband Vince. My heart told me I wasn't ready to rock this boat. In the end, Vince assured me that he supports my decision. And I know he does, although I think he got frightened by my crying!
I know I'm crazy to refuse so don't leave comments telling me I'm stupid. I already know that. There's still that ambitious part of me that's screaming in my head in absolute fury. I know opportunities like this don't come traipsing along every day, and I'll just have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. But now that it's done, my agony is over, my insomnia is cured, my world is again at peace.
Maybe now is not the time. Maybe in the future, something just as big will present itself again. Or maybe this means my time in a glamorous job is nearing its end and I should do something else--something not glamorous at all. Whatever the future holds, I only know that what I choose will always be the one that, in the words of that timeless song, will need all the love I can give, every day of my life for as long as I live.
Of course, I'm still thinking about the money I could've gotten. But I'll just have to make more money some other way. Kindly click on my ads then and buy shoes from me!