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Saturday, December 12, 2009

Out of the woods

I think I'm finally out of a depression. Regular readers, you know I haven't had a good November. Now, I think I can finally explain what happened. A huge opportunity was offered to me the day before my birthday. It's so huge--in terms of prestige and money--that I was, and still am, reeling from it, so dazzled and flattered was I.

This is a good thing, right? Well, it is. But even as I thought about and then finally accepted the new opportunity, I began wondering if I made the right decision. It wasn't actually a done deal yet--I still had to go through some processes--but as I went through each step, I began to get restless. The littlest things upset me. I had a hard time sleeping. I would often find myself sighing and crying quietly but regularly like the maddening dripping from broken kitchen faucets.

I went on shopping sprees (will blog about my new vintage finds soon!). I became more tired than usual. I stopped doing my chores. My clothes and papers started piling up, my mess started creeping from my desk and my side of our bed to the living and dining areas. Vince, very neat and organized Vince, kept quiet but offered gently to help clean up, and I'd say, "No, no, I'll do that myself." But I won't. At work, I projected my happy self. But inside I was feeling unsure and stressed, and couldn't find pleasure in the job I love.

The few who knew about the offer (except OK!'s managing editor Lana and our ninong sa kasal who thought the brand was a dinosaur) was just as dazzled. They said, "Take it! Take it!" And I did! I felt like I grew shinier in their eyes. But as the final interview ended and the Americans said they were "very impressed," I ended that overseas call with a heavy heart, wiped my tears away and looked through OK! magazine and realized I just can't leave it. Not yet. I also wasn't ready to spend 24/7 doing something new--I'm like that: When I'm involved in a new project, I forsake everything else. When my mother died, I haven't seen her in almost 2 months, because I was that busy. I don't want to be that busy again.

So yesterday, after exactly 5 weeks of incredible highs and crushing lows, I turned down the offer. The night before, I alarmed Vince by sobbing my explanation: "I'm happy where I am now. I want to be grateful, not greedy." I think Vince was confused--being a man, he is the conquering type and thought the offer would be a great challenge, which he knew I liked. He also liked the money. Hell, I did, too. But I've always followed my heart, and look where my heart brought me--OK! magazine, my lovely home, and most wonderful of all, my darling husband Vince. My heart told me I wasn't ready to rock this boat. In the end, Vince assured me that he supports my decision. And I know he does, although I think he got frightened by my crying!  

I know I'm crazy to refuse so don't leave comments telling me I'm stupid. I already know that. There's still that ambitious part of me that's screaming in my head in absolute fury. I know opportunities like this don't come traipsing along every day, and I'll just have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. But now that it's done, my agony is over, my insomnia is cured, my world is again at peace.

Maybe now is not the time. Maybe in the future, something just as big will present itself again. Or maybe this means my time in a glamorous job is nearing its end and I should do something else--something not glamorous at all. Whatever the future holds, I only know that what I choose will always be the one that, in the words of that timeless song, will need all the love I can give, every day of my life for as long as I live.

Of course, I'm still thinking about the money I could've gotten. But I'll just have to make more money some other way. Kindly click on my ads then and buy shoes from me!

22 comments:

  1. As long as it feels right, there's nothing you need to worry about. I'm super proud of you, F. *hugs*

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  2. Don't worry about it now Frances. I know you must have prayed about this before making a decision. Being at peace with yourself is more important than any position or riches. God will open the door for you again when the right time comes, I'm sure.

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  3. "I'm happy where I am now. I want to be grateful, not greedy."

    I like this line. I think it's speaks a lot to just how right your decision is in the end.

    This is an inspiring post. And I don't think you're crazy, for what it's worth. :D

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  4. Hi Frances, I'm pretty sure your readers won't tell you you're stupid coz you're not. You only did what your heart told you. These opportunities may come once in a lifetime but for someone talented and successful like you, the chances will come back running (with other chances, too).


    Hope you're having a good weekend :)

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  5. Frances, I could really relate to your post. I was also offered an opportunity a year ago in a foreign land for a job and while all things were smooth sailing, I was dazed in doubts that while the opportunity was tempting, at the back of my head, I simply can't leave my job-- in the magazine too. In the end, I turned down the opportunity--and like you I knew people around me was telling me I'm stupid for refusing the greener pastures and deciding to stay to where I am now.

    But then, the thing there is, I know it's with the magazine, the writing and the company that will make me happy and content.

    Stay with where your heart is really at peace with--and you'll go a long, successful way. Follow you heart for in the end, there you'll find your happiness.

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  6. As you say, Frances: you already feel better after making your decision, so it is the right decision for you at the present moment!

    ps - thanks for keeping me in your prayers. It means so much to me. Please know that I'm sending positive vibes to you also :)

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  7. Panalo ending mo, Frances! :)

    What was it that I heard once? That the key to happiness is doing something you love with the people you love. Kaya I still haven't moved on from my Summit/YES! days. On hindsight, I realized that I really loved working there kaya I'm having a hard time moving on. Kung pwede lang araw araw tumambay dyan no.

    But I think it's time to start letting go. Sigh.

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  8. awww frances *hugs* just remember that i'm just a few cubicles away from you.. im sure that whatever decision you make will still have a happy ending. i always believe that decisions is part gut feel part mental work. so if you feel one thing just does not feel right then maybe it's not meant for you yet :) cheer up! *hugs again*

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  9. Aww, that's ok. After all, you LOVE your job and you're making enough money naman. :)

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  10. Once I also let go of a very lucrative job for a less-paying-but-sanity-saving job :) Suddenly, blessings start pouring in! I have never been happier in my life. I know the same thing will happen to you. I wish you luck!

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  11. Wow,frances. You're one strong woman. :-) I admire you. :-)

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  12. Oh Dear... what a ride these months were. I am glad you followed your heart. There is a greater reason for everything in life.. so dont fret anymore. Take you time and keep doing the wonderful things you always did. Your inner soul will always guide you. I pray for your peace and happiness... which ofcourse never lies in more money. I am also going through similar phase and contemplating to quit my job for a while. I have been happy since I made that decision.
    Keep that lovely smile on. Enjoy. God bless you.

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  13. Life presents us with great opportunities but not all will be a great fit - and it does take a lot to say no, so I'm happy for you, that you know what you want and have the courage to say so.

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  14. You're lucky you're in a job you love, Frances! If it's not broken (yet), then don't fix it! You'll know when it's time to move on.

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  15. I'm proud of you for doing what is right for you at this moment x

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  16. Well, things happen for a reason :)you might not know it yet but eventually you will.

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  17. I've missed so much. Am just catching up now. I admire your decision. And I can also relate.

    Please allow me --I was in a similar boat. In fact I took the job (a second tv show) with all its glory - fame, fortune etc. Then after a few months I knew I wasn't happy and I was not living the life I wanted. I needed/wanted to have more time at home with my kids. I needed to explore my creativity. I wanted to start my own business. So I did a "stupid" thing, almost career suicide. I resigned from my own primetime show. No one walks away from TV. But you know, it wasn't stupid at all. My heart knew it was in the right place. I pursued my dreams. And am living the life I want. The money comes eventually, in some other way. Maybe it'll come with your shoe sales or with some other form of creativity that you'll discover.

    Be happy Frances. You are a gem in this industry. Only you will know what is right for you. Go on and do your magic with the work that you have now. We all appreciate and like what you're doing.

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  18. Hi! I just want to thank you all for your encouragement and similar stories! I know I made the right decision and a really big blessing was confirmed a few days after I turned down the job. Now I'm even happier! Thanks, ladies. God bless you all!

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  19. Grabe, ang huli ko na sa balita! Haha. Am very happy that you were presented such a fabulous offer. Sometimes we really need to encounter opportunities like that to affirm ourselves! But you're right; other times, all it really takes is taking stock of everything in our lives and realizing that these blessings are affirmations in themselves. :)

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  20. How freaky! Did you write this before...finding out? Ang galing! It's like that 'backward connect-the-dots' of Steve Jobs :)

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  21. Yes, Chris, sometimes an open door doesn't mean an opportunity =)

    Neighbor! Yes, I turned it down before I knew I was pregnant! And so was relieved that I did!

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