Monday, February 08, 2010

On honesty in blogging... and everything else actually

The previous post was interesting because some reader got offended by a comment I made and some readers reacted and then it became nasty and then I just had to not allow nasty comments anymore (the exchange is at my mommy blog--yes, I double post!). To be honest with ya, I found the exchange fascinating. I always liked controversy and dirt (which explains why I work in an entertainment magazine!) but since that is a mommy blog, I kinda figured I better clean it up since mommies seem to be expected to be positive and perfect. And since I'm spilling my guts there (and here) about how I feel about pregnancy and people around me (and guts aren't pretty), well, I'm rubbing people the wrong way.

First of all, I want to assure everybody that I love my unborn child. I hate feeling vomity and hungry and dizzy and tired and I certainly do not like my acne and the unsolicited advice being thrown at me left and right, but hey, it comes with the territory. I don't like what comes with the pregnancy but I love the kid that's causing all this fuss. The Jelly Bean is worth it.

Second, I'm honest but I'm not mean. People can't tell the difference. If you're fat and you ask me, "Hey, am I fat?", I will say, "Yes, you're fat." I will not mince words and I will not look away. But when I do say that, I'm not being nasty; I just answered your frikkin' question. So when I said in my previous post that I noticed that only ugly and unfashionable women tell me to stop trying to look good, I did mean that--that I'm fascinated with the fact that beautiful, kind and stylish women are encouraging and helpful while ugly women are nasty and discouraging. It's true! I wasn't being snarky when I wrote that; I was stating an observation.

Third, second point doesn't mean I'm a good and gentle person. If I were, this discussion won't even exist. I can be cruel and unkind. My friends and family call me "brutally honest" and they say this fondly but my family and friends are wonderful people who love me despite having been victims of my tongue. I've hurt a lot of people even though I didn't mean to. My sister once told me, "You're an editor so edit yourself!" As I've gotten older, I've learned to hold in my opinion, to lie even, but people can always tell if I'm lying. So now I say, "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."

Fourth, will my brutal honesty harm my child? I have no idea. My mother was just as brutal while my father's philosophy was, "Honesty is not always the best policy." I don't want to know why my father will live by that credo but in my experience, I appreciated my mother's truthfulness so I want to be just as truthful with my kid. But I do hope that wisdom and compassion will hold my tongue and, to be honest with ya, just right now, wisdom and compassion are two things I'm still learning about. So help me God!

Fifth, what does this mean for my blogging and my promise to be completely candid? Well, this means I'll still tell you how I really feel. And if you think I've said too much, do tell me. Sometimes I really am not aware if I'm already being hurtful. My husband, my friends, my brother and sister are always telling me to be careful, to shut up, to delete that post, etc. So tell me if I was out of line--I'm used to being told off and I don't get offended because I know how stupid and careless I can be. Also, if you notice, I don't really blog daily. That's because there are days I really really am miserable but I don't want to post it because I really don't want to record too much ugliness.

They say pregnancy is a beautiful thing. So far, it's been pretty ugly (sniff! sniff!). But I do have moments of happiness--the ultrasound and seeing that beautiful little Jelly Bean swimming about as we counted its fingers and toes (complete sets!), the gentle way my husband treats me and tells me I'm beautiful even though pimples have multiplied on my face and back, the way drivers will stop their cars or strangers will open doors when they see me waddling past, the way people's eyes light up when they find out I'm pregnant... There is kindness, too. And I'm happy to be honest about that!


  1. Very well said, Ms. Frances!

    It's YOUR personal blog-- people who are offended indirectly should make their own blog and post their sentiments there. I'm not being nasty here, too. I'm just saying that they're the ones reading your blog. Did you plead to them and say, 'Please, with cherries on top, read and comment on my blog?" No.

    Just a thought: if you somewhat disagree on a blogger's post, go post your own opinion in your own [cyber]space. Give the link of your post. It's proper etiquette to not start a fight.

  2. Oh my..i read your post but i wasn't able to comment back then because i was on my phone.

    Seriously in my case, im an optimist. I tend to focus on the lovin compare to the hatin.

    Some people might think that im not sincere because i always say good things, but that's what i am. that's why there are some times when i get affected by some hate comments on my blog because i show love but i still get some hate.

    I think it's ok to say what you want about what you feel. if you feel that being preggy is unglamorous, then so be it. You wear high heels, then go for it too. If you can still do it, then why not..

    You won't be able to wear it come 4 months later so make the most of the time that you have.

    I had ball reading the comments on your previous mommy post.
    i know what you say about you not being a happy-joy-joy.hell, you even get rid of your sick friend back then...hahaha!

    but what's important is that you did the topaz mommy to share your adventures (or even misadventures) to show what preggy women feel/think...what you feel about your jelly bean & etc.

    i don't find the "I have noticed with great interest that only ugly, unfashionable women are the ones who tell me to wear flats and tent dresses and to not wear makeup." offensive. On the contrary, i find it fascinating!

    It goes to show that not all women share the same sentiment,di ba? There goes another knowledge on my "when-i-get-pregnant" list.

    Heck, im FAT but i do wear fitting dresses (seriously, i am!hindi lang halata sa if ever i see you i won't ask you if im fat..haha)...why? because i feel good in it & i look good in it din!...XD

    ok..ang haba na ng chika ko...but the gist is, you're entitled to say what you want & im actually happy that you even published that kind of comment. kudos to you,sweetie!


    have a great evening!

  3. Personally, I think you should say whatever you want to, however you want to. :) It's your blog after all, and other people are just going to have to deal with it. Now, I think I sound mean. :p

  4. My goodness! Affect sila! Hay naku, Frances, go on with your honest self. The world needs more people who could a spade a spade.

    P.S. I told you being pregnant ain't romantic mwahahaha Pinapatawa lang kita, wag kang magpa-stress sa kanila. You don't need it! Mwah!

  5. you know Frances, I have always admired you,
    and for this post, I admire you even more.

  6. Game lang ng game! Maybe it's because I know you that I didn't find the post offensive. No, scratch that. That shouldn't matter at all because it's YOUR blog! Hahaha. We're just guests who read because we find you--and what you have to share--interesting. But even though you've allowed us to comment away, I don't think it is in our place to judge what kind of parent you will be!

    So maybe your brutal honesty will harm your child. Maybe not. I always remember that song 'Que Sera Sera' and wondered why the mother couldn't just lie to her daughter when she asked if she would be pretty. I didn't think it would hurt the girl to believe that maybe someday, she could be pretty. Or baka her mother was shaping her to be a stronger person. Who knows, di ba. I think we're all just figuring things out in the end, and having our thoughts laid out on the web in such vulnerable states requires a lot of patience and understanding from bloggers and readers alike.

  7. Don't sweat it Frances... I've been reading you for years now and you know what made me bookmark your blog at first? It was your angsty rants about your dad, prospective sis-in-law etc.

    It wasn't pretty and it might not have made you very popular with your family at the time... but I appreciated the honesty and sheer guts it took for you to write those things (I don't think I could do the same in mine).

    The previous commenters are right, this is your blog and you can write whatever you want and if others have a problem with that then boohoo to them.

  8. I'm sorry people got so riled up by your personal feelings and observations.
    I am not a mother but I've known enough pregnant women to know that it's a sensetive time.
    Hormones are haywire and one of the biggest events in their life is taking place and they need support not judgement.

    Keep on smiling xx

  9. Stop whining already and just be grateful. Pregnancy isn't a problem that you should have to deal with it but a blessing that you should be thankful for. Other people will say whatever they want but you know who you are and that's what really matters. Just enjoy the duration of your pregnancy and try to stay positive always.

  10. Thanks everybody! God bless people like you who encourage me every time, especially when my spirits are flagging.

  11. Mia, please don't tell me what I should be feeling and doing.

    If you've been reading this blog, you'd know that who I really am is someone who never dreamed of becoming a mother and married to someone who never dreamed of becoming a dad so this pregnancy is really hard to deal with. We truly were in shock for the first few weeks, not jumping joy happy like the rest of the baby-crazy world. We're not in shock anymore but the excitement has finally crept in and we're really looking forward to the little critter.

    Now while the rest of womankind seem to think that pregnancy and motherhood is the greatest things on earth, I don't. At least not yet, but I'm curious and open and willing to see what happens.

    But I will say that it's a surprise and I'm glad gestation is 9 months long because I have a few more months to prepare for such a huge, life-changing surprise.

    Am I grateful? I dunno. It's like giving an all-expense-paid trip to a beautiful island... to someone deathly afraid of water. So I'm glad I have 6 more months to overcome the fear and trepidation, and learn how to swim. I'm trying, okay. Not everyone's a frikkin' expert at pregnancy and not everyone's ultimate dream is motherhood. So give me a break.

  12. many people forget that the purpose of having a personal blog is to say whatever you like.

    i do that in my blog too... sometimes i get negative comments. but who cares??? im happy... they're not... so what?

    i read ur blog for three reasons.
    1. it's entertaining
    2. u're a brilliant writer
    3. u're honest

    boo to them!

  13. Wait, you're cheating on me with another blog?

  14. * BRAVO darling! ha! ha!

    * You have every right to own your feelings! And...only an ugly person would have the vomit to tell another person to stop being beautiful.

    * Pregnancy is beautiful in the sense that you are with child. The process is....less than romantic
    (specially during the last 3 months when your back aches like hell.)- But love is worth it.


  15. oh frances, *hugs*

    i just want to share that i spent the first three and a half months of my last pregnancy sleeping and being masungit. once i didn't take a bath for two days (almost three actually). i just wanted to be icky. and the husband was sweet enough to indulge me (he didn't mind the no taking a bath thing). fashion, combing my hair, looking good was the last thing on my mind. i wanted to hurl every minute. it was a bad first trimester. and i didn't write about it because i didn't want to share my pregnancy outside my family.

    but you know, you've heard it before... things do get better.

    you're doing well. hope to see you.


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