TOPAZ HORIZON

Everyone introduces me as "the writer". Officially, I'm the communications manager. It's a broad enough title that if I were to resign, they'll have to hire a copywriter, SEO writer, social media manager, influencer program manager, dealer storytelling strategist, dealer comms and program coordinator, and creative project manager to replace me! 

What makes my job meaningful is that the target market of all the comms we make is our own dealers. So we're not your regular in-house ad agency broadcasting to the end-consumer; we're communicating with our dealers, showing them how to sell their products, and manage and grow their business. Every day, I think of how to make our dealers feel proud of what they do. And because I’m all about women empowerment, I find it incredibly fulfilling to see the transformed lives of our million-strong dealers, many of whom are mothers like me. So there is a purpose in what I do.

But... life can't be perfect. 

Many of my dear Loyal Readers (the WAHMs and the housewives) have asked me how going back to work feels like, and for so long I couldn't answer. But I think I'm ready now. 

So here comes the real talk! I spend 10 hours a day at the office. I really try to not go beyond that because I promised my kids I won't, so overtime feels like me betraying my promise. I'm glad to report that OT rarely happens because I really finish my tasks within those 10 hours. 

Still, it’s a huge shift for someone who was with her husband and sons 24/7 for an entire decade. These days, I barely see them, and that’s hard on the heart. It really, really is. I spent my first 9 months at work crying, grieving my time away from my family, worried sick about them, and finally feeling that working-mom guilt I never felt when I was a mommy blogger and freelance writer and editor. 

I keep reminding myself that I’m paid well enough, the work has purpose, and my kids are thriving in school and with friends. But, wow, I can't stop missing my family. I'm almost 3 years back in corporate and I’m still not used to being away from Vince and the boys. 

Let's not forget that I also have a writing and editing business, a business that I've only slowly resurrected this year with a few blogging and writing projects. So I'm happy about that! 

And I'm still dreaming of more books to write. They're in the process of becoming real because I’ve got half a dozen book manuscripts just waiting to be finished, but no time (yet!) to work on them. Still, I managed to write a couple of children’s books recently so... hooray! I hope to publish them one day, with my devotionals and novels, too. 

One day, one day.

Honestly, mamas, if you're thinking of going back to work after the incredible privilege of being with your babies, well... It's not easy. I don't want to discourage you because there's so much satisfaction in doing what you're good at and earning recognition and money for it. 

But it's hard to juggle that with wanting to relish any little time we can find with our family. Work can always be done and money can always be made, but time with our children? The time is so very short. Terrifyingly short. Sooner than I know, they're off to college, off to new adventures, off to a life without their Mama.

Can you believe it? Didn't I just give birth to them yesterday? 

I feel like I'm running out of time.

It's so strange how both grief and joy, and longing and contentment can hold space inside me all in the same breath. Yes, I’m doing well. I’m grateful for this job and would like to keep it. I thank God every day that I get to enjoy this amazing blessing. But I ask Him just as often if this is what He wants for me because I miss my boys so much. 

Do I want to earn a regular income? Yes.

Do I want to spend more time with my teens and tween? Yes.

Do I wish I had more time to write my books? Yes. 

Do I enjoy making content to help our dealers become more successful women? Yes.

Do I look at my messy house and think, "This home needs a mother's loving touch again"? Yes.

Do I try not to think about how we haven't had any activities for Lean In Manila this year? Er, yes.

Do I also recognize how good I’ve got it right now? Absolutely.

Oh, it's complex, this tug of war in my heart. I know life can’t be perfect... but mine is pretty close. So I'll remain grateful. 

And open. 

And waiting.