Showing posts with label Love & Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love & Marriage. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

That most famous engagement ring and a few stories about it


Forty years ago today! On February 24, 1981, Prince Charles presented his future bride to the press. They had just gotten engaged 21 days prior and Diana, all of 19 years old, and hidden away from the world in her aristocratic life, didn't realize what she was getting herself into. 

For their engagement announcement, the future Princess of Wales wore an inexpensive off-the-rack dress from Harrod's and one relatively affordable sapphire ring from the engagement rings collection of the Garrard holiday catalog. Yes, not a jewel from the royal collection because Charles couldn't even be bothered to commission a special ring just for her. That sapphire ring was just £47,000, or $60,000 today. Not even the Kardashians will wear that!

With Camilla, his then-mistress and now-wife, he thoughtfully customized a ring to reflect the Art Deco design he and Camilla like. He chose a special family heirloom diamond that belonged to the most special woman in his life, the Queen Mother.

Diana had a ring from a catalog. Oh, Diana. 


To be fair to Charles, he has always liked the huge sapphire brooch that belonged to the ladies in his family. A century and forty-one years before he proposed to Diana, another Prince gave his bride a sapphire. On the eve of their wedding day, Prince Albert presented to Queen Victoria a brooch that was a huge deep blue sapphire surrounded by diamonds. She loved it so much, she wore it on her bridal gown as her "something blue." 


In fact, Victoria loved it sooo much, she declared the brooch as a Crown Heirloom piece. That means only future Queens can wear it. So far, we haven't seen Camilla or Catherine wear it. Diana never got to wear that brooch either. That must mean it's an extra special piece for the Queen!

 
Anyway, back to Charles. So he liked that extra special brooch his mother loved. It's said Diana's extraordinarily blue eyes reminded him of that particular sapphire brooch so he thought the Garrard ring was perfect for her. So I guess that's romantic, too.

Diana's eyes look exactly like her famous ring.

It's so sad how that marriage went. So sad that sapphires symbolize faithfulness but, as Diana famously said, "There are three of us in this marriage so it's a bit crowded."

Nevertheless, I always wanted her exact ring for my own engagement ring. I told Vince about this but he replied that it was a bad luck ring. "Look at what happened to that marriage," he pointed out. So he gave me a diamond. And I bought myself the ring I wanted.  


I actually like it better, that I bought it myself. It's more meaningful because I bought it as a Diana fan haha There's no romantic love involved at all. Just like Charles and Diana's marriage haha huhu

No, no, that's not true. For a while, they were happy. Look at these photos I found on Diana fan accounts on Instagram:

Holding hands while whispering sweet nothings
Despite all their worries about the wedding, happy to meet at the altar
Honeymoon! Diana's pregnant here.
Touches, looks, and smiles
Charles said he's always loved Diana's humor. She always made him laugh.

I found more actually! Fellow royal fans love tagging me on Diana posts on IG! I'll share more soon. 

Sigh. I loved Diana and Charles together. I really wanted that fairy tale to end in happily ever after. And it could've, in a way, if fate hadn't intervened. After they divorced, they actually got along better. Charles would visit her for tea, for example. How strange. Maybe some people are better off as friends. It's always sad when marriages end. But if a friendship happens after, then that's also a beautiful thing. Too bad Diana died just one year after her divorce. Who knows? Maybe she and Charles could've gotten back together? At the very least, they could've been great at this co-parenting thing. Oh well. We'll never know.

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Monday, January 18, 2021

Stop this unrequited love nonsense

My husband and I were watching "Bridgerton" on Netflix and one of the Lady Featheringtons is hopelessly and secretly in love with one of the Lord Bridgertons. And I turn to my husband and announce, "I have no idea what unrequited love feels like."

My husband gives me his I-won't-roll-my-eyes-because-I-love-this-arrogant-woman look.

"It's true," I huff then I turn back to the TV and give my advice. "Just tell him you love him and be done with this agony. Easy!"


Now I know it isn't easy for many women. It wasn't easy during the 19th century and it's still not easy 200 years later. Goodness, despite all the progress feminism has brought us, when it comes to love, we still pine away and hopelessly wait for the men to notice us.

I've never been this way. If I like a guy, I tell him. If he doesn't like me back, then his loss! As Taylor Swift sang, "Who could ever leave me, darling? Who could stay? You could stay." And if he chooses not to, then it's just not meant to be. And it's okay, I can let it go because I tried and failed and I can't argue with facts. 

But if you never tell him how you feel, then how would you know it's not meant to be? And you're trapped in this purgatory of never knowing when this hell of uncertainty will end. Just like quarantine! I mean, you can enjoy quarantine but you don't want to be stuck in the same place forever. 

I've been told many times by friends and older people that if the girl shows interest first, men will lose respect for her. But they underestimate my intelligence. I can see when a man is taking advantage of my interest and then I lose interest because I see what he's really like after all. And isn't it great I saw the real him before I ever fell deeply in love? 

So maybe we should teach our girls to be smart so that they can see a jerk a mile away. Maybe we should teach our boys that a girl who says what she means and means what she says is admirable and be taken seriously instead of mocked. Maybe we should be teaching our children that honesty and truth are good things and that both men and women can be honest and no one should disrespect an honest person, especially when they're sharing something so delicate. And then maybe this world wouldn't be full of heartbroken people who shouldn't even be heartbroken in the first place because love is a relationship. It's not a one-sided affair, folks. When only one person is in love, that person never sees what the object of his/her affection is really like. You're not there when he's happy or sad or sick or mean. You're not in a relationship so all you ever see is the good side. You only love an image. That's not true love.

I hope my sons never know what unrequited love feels like. Yes, it's romantic. Think Severus Snape and how he loved Lily Potter so. Or Cyrano de Bergerac and how he wooed Roxane with his exquisite love letters but signed them as Christian so she ended up falling for the dumb guy. Or Julianne who was determined to steal her best friend Michael from Kimmy. Or the Little Mermaid (not the Disney one) giving up her life literally to be with a Prince who never cared for her at all. Eponine and Marcus. Gatsby and Daisy. Romantic but tragic and infinitely a waste of time. 

I tell my sons all the time, "The worst thing in the world is waste." Waste of resources, waste of talent, waste of opportunity, waste of life, waste of time. Don't waste time pining away for someone. Tell him you like him. And if he doesn't like you back, don't waste your affections on him. He doesn't deserve you. Move along. Life is short. Your heart, mind, body, and time are precious. Don't waste yourself on someone who won't love you back.

Love,

Auntie F.


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Saturday, May 09, 2020

Not invisible

This was in my drafts folder, in 2016. I don't know why I never published it but here it is because it made me happy reading it now, the day before Mother's Day of such an extraordinary year. It's such an ordinary story and I want to remember it forever.

* * * * * * *
"You're just like Piero."

My husband Vince declared this yesterday while our toddler woke up languidly from a long nap.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You stretch when you wake up," he replied. "There," he nodded towards our youngest boy. "Just like that."


Later at dinner, Vince added, "Piero is really just like you. He's stubborn like you. He's cute like you." He said this while he was spooning chopseuy onto his plate, matter-of-fact, absorbed in his dinner, very casual, no gooey eyes. Like he was saying, Just sayin'.

Later in bed, I realized with a start that Vince watches me. And so I kinda went a bit panicky, aware I've let myself go since we had kids. I'm 25 lbs heavier since the day we met. I'm all stretched out in the tummy area. The boobs and butt areas, too, if I'm going to be honest. I dress for comfort not for style or sex. I'm a mom now and this mom is usually busy and exhausted and annoyed and exasperated. What does he see? Does he like what he sees?

Well, he said I'm cute like Piero. I don't know if 40 and cute go together but he still enjoys being with me, talking with me, and apparently looking at me, too. After almost 18 years together, he still looks at me. He still looks at me! He still sees me, he still wants to know me. And he still loves me.

And then I remembered all those times I rushed past him, on the way to a crying, needy, demanding, angry, hungry, sleepy, poopy, sick, or whatever-it-is-this-time child; and all those times he said he wanted to chat and I said, "I'm tired;" and all those times I was so busy working I didn't even look up from my computer when he said, "Hi." I remembered and I wondered if he hopes I see him, too.

Because I do. I do! I always think of him whatever I do. I always look at him, too, when I can, when I'm not looking down at the kids, the chores, the work. I wonder if he doesn't see that I see him the way I don't see that he sees me.

My heart is feeling tender now. My husband still sees me. I don't even care now if he likes what he sees. The fact that he's still looking means he still cares (and he must still like what he sees!). 

I'm not invisible. 

I'm not invisible. 

I'm not invisible.


Thank you, Vince. I see you and all that you do for us. Now I need to make sure you know you're not invisible, too.


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Friday, April 17, 2020

How I knew Vince was serious about me (plus old couple photos from before we were married)

Tomorrow is April 18. It's the 21st anniversary of when Vince and I fell in love and our 13th wedding anniversary. So exciting!!! There are no plans haha. I'm just excited at the fact that I've been in love for this long!

My Loyal Readers sometimes ask me, the girl who said she'd never get married and have kids, what changed my mind. Well, Vince did. He didn't force me to do anything I didn't want, okay. He just made me see things his way! And I'm glad he did! I have never been happier. I'm just so glad he didn't give up on me haha

Anyway, as an anniversary gift to you, you who have been following my love story for as long as this blog's been alive, I'm sharing these photos I unearthed recently! My kids, bored from being indoors for weeks now, asked one night, "Mama, how did you and Papa meet?" So I told them and they laughed and cringed and then said, "Pictures! Where are the pictures???" And so I asked their Papa to take out the heavy red album and we all took a trip down memory lane, all 21 years of happiness.


All of these are old photos, in no particular order, from before we were married and I wanted you guys to see. Because you always ask me about my love life, married life, sex life... Thank you for being so interested! It keeps me interested, too, hahaha.

One question I get from time to time is how did I know Vince was serious about me. Well, I knew from the start. He made it clear from the very start. 


And here are my little stories from the many times he showed me just how serious he was about me.


#1
On our first date in Manila (we already had a few in Baguio), instead of going to the mall, he brought me to meet his parents first. That was a complete shock since I wasn't dressed for it and wasn't ready at all. I wore a thin sleeveless shirt and tight jeans—definitely not what I'd wear to impress the parents of a guy I just met. But he said, "You should meet them! Our house is on the way."

"Really? I'm not ready to meet your folks."

"Why not? They'll love you!"

"I'm not... dressed."

"You look amazing!"

And that's how I met his parents. I think everyone was surprised but Vince just smiled throughout the whole thing. Like, he literally didn't say anything. He just let me and his dad do all the talking! He later said in the car, "It's nice to see you with my parents. It looks right."


#2
He asked me, "Do you want to be a June bride?" in May, a month after we met.

#3
He surprised me in the car by suddenly singing to me: "I want to take you home, I wanna give you children, and you might be my girlfriend, oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" That's from Babies by Pulp. We had just started dating and we weren't even girlfriend-boyfriend yet so babies were not anywhere in the realm of my consciousness so that was pretty scary haha


#4
I lived in Antipolo back then and it floods in the Cainta-Marikina intersection all the way up to the rise to Masinag. His low Toyota meant he won't be able to visit me during the rainy season so he bought a big pickup truck that roared through the flood.


#5
When I started working for the Senate, I was dismayed to find out that they hold your salary until you're regularized. You get all of it in one big bulk but I figured I'd look for another job because there was no way I could survive that long without income. Then Vince said, "I'll support you until you get your money. No problem. It'll be like practice for when we're married."

I paid him back when I got my money, which I think offended him haha


#6
He took me house-hunting. After every house we checked out, he asked, "Did you like that?" And I would say, "It's your house. It doesn't matter what I like." And he insisted, "But it does because it's going to be your house."

I have a plethora of little snippets of how he felt for me. I looked through my diaries recently. Apparently, my 2004 diary tells me I did want to get married after all. It also told me why I resisted. Even though I knew he was the one for me, I didn't know if I was the one for him. He wanted the marriage and the kids and because I had endometriosis and was possibly barren, I didn't want to disappoint him. Well, after all that resisting, it turns out I didn't have anything to worry about.

Sharing with you these last two photos, one from my diary and one from my Facebook Memories.




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Monday, March 09, 2020

Harry and Meghan: A modern fairy tale and yet very real marriage


Sigh. Such a gorgeous photo of the most-talked-about married couple in the world!

I don't really have anything "expert" to say about Harry and Meghan. Almost everyone remotely interested in royalty has given their expert opinion on the Duke and Duchess' resignation from royal duties (As a former royalty magazine editor, I did here: Royal Rift! All your questions on Harry and Meghan's resignation, answered!). Many are sad, many are supportive, and many are mad. I don't know why they'd be mad. It's not like Harry's leaving them haha.

But anyway, I've been meaning to write a blog post about this particular Brexit since January but everything's been moving so fast that it's hard to comment. I finally decided that ultimately I'm very happy for them and that they're a great example for all married couples everywhere.

Every married couple should leave their families. Yes, Harry isn't part of just any normal family. As a prince, he sure isn't just like us. But he's also not THE prince. He's just the spare. And while that must rankle to be known as the spare to the heir since birth, it finally worked out for him—he can actually break free. He's not the first royal in history to choose to step away from duty. Here's a short list:

1. (UK) King Edward VIII to marry Wallis Simpson.
2. (Netherlands) Prince Friso of Orange-Nassau to marry Mabel Wisse Smit
3. (Japan) Sayako, Princess Nori, to marry Yoshiki Kuroda
4. (Japan) Princess Ayako of Takamado to marry Kei Moriya
5. (Thailand) Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya to marry Peter Ladd Jensen

Harry and Meghan didn't lose their titles but they did give up their allowance, their HRH styling, and pretty much the respect of a lot of people. Ya. For choosing love and family over prestige.

I like their decision. I know people are saying Meghan bullied Harry into doing this but if you've watched Harry at all throughout his very public life, he's not the sort of man anyone can bully. And while there's that rumor that "what Meghan wants, Meghan gets," I don't see how that's a bad thing if what Meghan wants is a peaceful life. Sure she signed up for a very public life but I don't think she signed up for such racism and hate. 


I read this book recently and I came away from it just loving and admiring these two people who loved to make a difference in people's lives. They have charities, they use their platform for good causes, they are enthusiastic about helping others. And they met each other! He was a prince. She was a strong and confident woman—not a shy virgin teenager like Diana, not a quiet and obedient Kate. She was not, what is the word, moldable. I love that she was already all woman when they met and fell in love. And I can't understand how that wholeness makes people see her as a threat to men and marriage.


Marriage should be between two people complete in themselves. Marriage shouldn't be the answer to people broken and incomplete, looking for a fix in the other. You should come into the marriage as a whole person, ready to give your all. Traditionally, women are seen as these fragile creatures that needed tending. That should make us precious. Instead, men have used this required fragility against us—abusing women and their children throughout centuries just because we needed men to survive.

Well, not anymore. Ladies, don't get married because you need a man for his money or position or his strength. Earn your own money, make your own name, be strong on your own. The man you attract won't be controlling and abusive. He'll be an amazing guy. Just like how Harry was drawn to Meghan's strength, drive, and mission. And together? Wow, they're going to make a lot of difference in the world. They're already doing it. 

That's what marriage should be about—two strong people coming together and creating an even stronger alliance. This used to happen before—an alliance of kingdoms. But we should use that as a metaphor, an inspiration, for how we should see our own marriages, too. We are a team. We are one. No one is lesser, no one is greater. We are equal.


Anyway, I finally blogged about Harry and Meghan today because it's their last day as senior royals. After today, they will disappear from public life. They have plans to still be seen out and about, working for their livelihood (just like us!), but now they'll be private citizens. They're determined to be seen as a team, as a single entity—as married couples should be.

Good luck on your new adventure, Harry and Meghan! It's not going to be easy but no marriage is unless you remember to stick it out together. If you do that, you're going to be just fine.

P.S. I just love how their outfits on their final royal appearances are all matching. Clearly telling the world they are one!

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Friday, February 15, 2019

My husband's best Valentine's Day gift ever


Vince surprised me with a love letter. He's good at giving gifts but this one, this is going to be a hard one to beat because it's one of the very best. The best ever? Well, our sons, of course!

The article appeared in The Asian Parent Singapore. Click here to read it there, complete with cutie photos of our babies. But I'm putting screencaps here anyway so I can always have it on my blog. And cry happy tears always.





Thank you, Vincent. Thank you for everything.

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Thursday, April 19, 2018

The day after our wedding

Look at what Vince found last week! Photos from the morning after our wedding!

He's showing off his wedding ring. Hindi nakita haha
My eye bags are so wow.

These were 11 years ago. I took them with my Blackberry. We were so exhausted and exhilarated. Just so giddy and happy and tired. My eye bags are huge! I swear I look younger now than I did 11 years ago haha Thank you, eye cream!

Oh, such a happy day my wedding was. But, as someone once said in a speech at another wedding a long time ago, your wedding day is not the happiest day in your life. And it's true. The next day was. And most days after that. When the children are born... Oh my dear heaven, nothing beats that day and I'm so glad I had three of those blessed days.

Sure, marriage isn't all happiness. One time, Vince and I had a massive fight and I said I wasn't happy anymore and he seethed back, "So what? I didn't marry you to make you happy. I married you till death do us part!" And I was taken aback and realized that if every couple married for happiness, then what do you do when you're not happy anymore? And in life, there is only one guarantee—it's going to be hard, sometimes so hard you can't see through the darkness and despair. That's why you vow to stick together for better and for worse. Your husband is the hand you hold as you struggle out of the muck. And we went through a lot of shit a few years ago, and we came out of it still together and stronger than ever.

I can see Vince reading that last sentence and rolling his eyes in mirth. Vince likes to tease me whenever I blog about difficulties in our marriage. He goes, "Grabe, parang maghihiwalay na tayo! Grabe ang drama!" Kainis!!! In my mind, these are real struggles. But in his mind, I guess, as long as we're together, they're nothing to be worried about. He's so stable, so secure, so sure. I love this man.

Happy anniversary, Vince! Eleven years married, 19 in love. Next year is 20 years yo! You're such a lucky guy. And I'll always be the luckiest girl.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2018

The Lucky Ones

I used to have a column in parenting website, Juana.com.ph. The website folded within a year and that made me very sad because I loved being a parenting columnist. Loyal Readers would know one of my dreams is to be a columnist.

Well, it came true naman. I was a lifestyle columnist at Manila Bulletin 4 years ago (my column was called Behind the Scenes) but that didn't go so well because I was a new mom for the third time and quickly found I couldn't juggle three kids, a blog, and a weekly newspaper column. After a year, I resigned with much regret and I think my editor was very disappointed I wasted my chance. So, two years later, when the Juana column offer came, I was so happy!

Oh well. Life in the time of rapidly changing media. 

Anyway, I wanted to publish my Juana articles here on my blog to preserve them. I'll post two or so every month. This was my first—a love letter to Vince when we were so dangerously close to not making it. It's apt since this April is also our 19th fell-in-love and 11th wedding anniversary! I'll add an update after.

* * * * * * *
This was taken shortly before I wrote my letter.

Dearest Vince, 

People tell me all the time how lucky we are to have careers that allow us to work from home. I blog. You write. I cook. You play with our boys. I negotiate another contract. You edit another chapter of your book. I help the preschoolers with their homework. You read to the toddler. I rush to meet a client’s deadline. You rush to meet a magazine’s deadline. We live and breathe words and kids under the same roof, 24/7. It’s an amazing life, one we always dreamed of, and we made this life together, just the two of us. 

People tell me how lucky we are that we live the way we do, but they don’t see that we are so busy, we sometimes spend days rushing past each other. There’s always dishes to wash, laundry to do, deadlines to meet, emails to answer, chores, errands, kids! Always the kids. They need to be fed, hugged, kissed, read to, played with, bathed, scolded, encouraged, taught, brought to school, fetched from school, again and again and again. While we love our life, everything in it is so urgent. Everything is now, now, now! Oh, Vince, if you only knew that my need for you is just as urgent as your need for me. 

I feel it from across the living room, where the kids and their toys and my laptop and notes are between us. It isn’t even sexual, this need, although of course many times it is. Most times what I desperately need is a laugh, a hug, a kiss, a good long chat. I feel it when we’re in the car with the noisy kids in the back seat and the endless errands before us, and we can’t really talk because the things we talk about when we finally do talk are just for the two of us. 

I miss the two of us. Please know that there will always be the two of us. We just need to ride this out. I hope you’ll wait for me, not years from now when we’re old and wrinkly. Please wait for me now, for those pockets of moments when we can be alone, even for just a minute. I know you do but after six years of the kids, work, and exhaustion grabbing me away from you, I know sometimes you give up and you fold into your books, knowing your books are always there and I am not. 

Sometimes I also ignore those moments. Sometimes I catch a rare chance when the kids are all asleep, and this is it, this is when I can be with you, but I chose instead to check Facebook because being married takes effort and I was too tired to get up and be married. 

I’m sorry, Vince. I’m sorry for not always appreciating the gift of you. And oh what a gift! I still remember that rainy Monday from 18 years ago when I met you. I didn’t know then that you, my wonderful you, were about to completely change my miserable life. 

My luck changed when I met you. People call it luck. I think it was love. It was love that made us push each other to chase our dreams and be each other’s sole cheerleaders because no one else believed we can make a living out of words. It was love that put us in a church on the hottest day of the year to vow forever. It was love that made us children, and love for them that made us build a life around them, and love that keeps us going even when we haven’t talked or bathed or laughed together for days.

So it isn’t luck that we have. It’s love. And love may not be as exciting and as passionate when it was just the two of us but the two of us built this amazing life with so much love. We may be buried under diapers and duties now, but we’re still here. And it sure isn’t luck that’s keeping us here. No, it isn’t luck at all. For that, I’m grateful.

* * * * * * *
This is us now. Stronger, better, happier!

Update: That letter was published February 2017. My Juana editor said my theme was Valentine's Day. I was a bit dismayed because I wasn't feeling very romantic. I believe any mama drowning in childcare and household chores can relate. But I sat down, took pen and paper, and forced myself to think about Vince, to think about him and only him and, and about us, too, and I was overwhelmed with a fierce love and longing, and then grief because children were overwhelming our marriage.

I was afraid we wouldn't make it, not because we were having affairs or fighting or hurting each other, but because we were so focused on the kids. Kids when we wake up, kids throughout the day, and kids when our heads hit the pillow. I was afraid that one day, we'd look up and see a stranger. 

So I wrote my letter. 

It's been more than a year and I'm happy to tell you we're still married. And we're so much happier now in our marriage than last year. There are things that could make our life better (like more money, a yaya and a maid, the work we really want to do—like writing and publishing books, editing dying magazines, and did I mention more money haha) but all of those are extra now that the marriage is going smoothly again.

What changed? Basically, it's time. I have more time for Vince now. I'm glad we waited for each other and I'm glad we helped each other through it. You know how people will demand, "I'm married. I have to have my needs taken care of!" Valid point. But what if you're sick, what if you're apart, what if you're working, what if you're just too tired and overwhelmed by parenthood? I believe in waiting, I believe in the right moments, I believe in riding it out. And I'm glad we waited out this whole small-children phase in our marriage. We know there will be other phases when we'll have to take a back seat to more urgent things. But we survived this. Good things come to those who wait. I'm glad we were so patient because now our marriage is good. Again. 

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Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Don't waste time when the kids are at school

Today is the first day of school! So just a quick blog post for my fellow working mamas before I dash off. As a work-at-home parent, some of the only time I have to myself will be found in the times my kids are at school. So you can bet I'm so excited that the school year is here! The summer's been a bit crazy because my family's schedule changed every day. I feel lots guilty because I couldn't focus on work and I couldn't focus on family. It was easier when the kids were at school because I could work and play when they're away!

Lots of moms ask me how I can juggle work and family. You know, it's really important that you find someone or something to take care of the kids. That's the real secret. From a dependable yaya or your in-laws to hours spent in school and extracurricular activities, these help a mom be more than a mom. Don't feel guilty about this, working mamas! 



I always look forward to the hours my kids are somewhere I know they'll be safe and have fun, too, because that means I have time for me. But that doesn't mean I pop open the champagne and go shopping. I wish! Instead, I use that precious time to take care of things I couldn't when the kids are around. Here's what I take care of when the kids are at school:

1. I take care of work.
I have a lot of work but the kids will always come first so I squeeze work in the hours when the kids aren't there. That'll be early morning, when they're in school, and/or when they're asleep. (So when do I sleep???) 

Work doesn't mean just my writing and editing projects. It also means taking care of the paperwork of my business. It also means doing chores and errands for home management. My husband is the one in charge of managing our money, and he needs to focus when he's doing the books. Impossible when the kids are around! But when the kids are at school, that's usually the time he takes out the whiteboard and Excel sheets and go over them with me. 

Managing money is something that makes me uncomfortable, but it needs to be done especially when you're running a household! Making small investments here and paying debt there will make our future a lot brighter. I hate that it's my husband who does this so well. I'm not financially illiterate but I'm not great at money management either. But I'm learning this year! I'm trying out free budgeting software like Quickbooks, for example, to help me me get organized. 

2. I take care of the house.
Of course, when the kids aren’t at home, this is a great chance to get some of their mess cleared up. Having kids is never an easy job. When they’re very young, chaos and carnage will follow in their wake. This results in a lot of work which needs to be done to keep the house clean and safe for them. This summer, my husband and I have had to do tidying up each day when the boys were asleep, which meant we couldn't sleep! Now that school's back, we can tidy up during the day and actually get to sleep at night!!!

3. I take care of my brain.
A lot of parents put their life on hold when they have kids. Even working mama me had to scale back on projects. But now that the boys are in school, my husband and I have started thinking of going back to the corporate world because of very expensive tuition fees (sob! sob!). Unfortunately, because we've both been out of the workforce for so long, this can make it very hard to pick up the pieces and get back to work!

To avoid this situation, I've found that networking helps a lot—whether it's reactivating old industry contacts or creating new ones in new fields. I've also started signing up for free courses which suit what I imagine my future career could be. Some people I know actually plunk down money to get a new degree or even an MA. Since I studied in a special sciences school—what a surprise, right?—I've seen some of my former classmates say on Facebook that getting a masters of science in engineering management and other science- and math-related fields helped launch their careers abroad.

I have no plans on going abroad (yet) but I firmly believe in continual learning, especially since my industry, print publishing, is dying (if not dead already). Since I'm a working mommy, all the time I can afford is for online classes, too. Right now, I'm looking at digital marketing, digital content creation, and digital public relations. But I've also been looking at journalism courses that deal especially with the internet. It's the age of fake news and I want to be equipped to fight it. 

4. I take care of my relationships.
When the boys are at school, it's easier to be married. It's easier to be a friend. Tough fact but true. Those precious hours I'm free from being a mommy means I can see my friends for lunch. My husband and I also use the time we spend in traffic picking up the kids from school as our time to talk without getting interrupted a thousand times by little voices. This summer, we were constantly surrounded by kids and constantly immersed in childcare that we hardly talked—you know, the meaningful kind. So I'm really looking forward to the school year because I want to have a marriage again!

5. I take care of me.
I know everyone says "me" should be on top of the list. You can't pour from an empty cup! I agree but my kids are small and these exhausting years go by so fast so I don't mind prioritizing them. My "me time" isn't even elaborate. A hot shower long enough for me to exfoliate dull skin and condition my dead hair is a treat. Applying nail polish while I wait for my coffee to cool makes me happy. Reading lovely articles from my favorite magazines like Vanity Fair is always a joy. Obviously, these rarely happen when the kids are around so this back-to-school school season is making me excited!

That's my list! What do you do when your kids are at school? 

*This post contains affiliate links. Image from Pexels

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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Questions to ask yourself before you get married

This time ten years ago, I was sick with the flu. Or maybe my wedding jitters were just manifesting as the flu! Anyway, even though I was unwell and stressed out with the wedding countdown (but my friends made me feel better with a surprise bridal shower!), I knew there was one thing I had no doubt about: marrying Vince! I loved that man like nothing else in the world and when we decided to get married, I felt a peace that I had never felt before.

Over the years, my blog readers have emailed me asking about my wedding suppliers, for a copy of my misalette, and many other questions. The one I love and dread the most is "How did you know you were ready to get married?" I love it because I have never been so sure of anything in my life! I dread it because when people ask, that already means they're not ready to get married yet and I don't know to tell them that! 

How did I know I was ready to get married? There were many factors that decided it for me (detailed below), other than the fact that I loved Vince. Honestly, love isn't a good enough reason to walk down that aisle. If love was the only reason for marriage, then what do you do if the love fades or even goes away? It sometimes does, you know, when the drudgery of work suffocates you both and the children overwhelm a marriage. What happens when you fall for someone else? Or when you're far apart and can't love each other with affection and service? Marriage isn't about feelings. It's about commitment, family, duty. Love makes those easier, but if you can't commit, if you don't want to be part of a family, and if you have no honor to fulfill your duties, then you shouldn't get married.  

If he's someone you really, really like, that really, really helps!

Now let's say you're already engaged. Should you busy yourself with the wedding? Of course, but don't get distracted from your upcoming lifetime commitment. This is the time you should be seriously evaluating yourself, your fiancé, and your relationship. Most couples are surprised to find that their engagement period is one of the hardest times together. Not only do you have a wedding to plan but you’re also contemplating the reality of a future with your partner. Plus, this is usually when you're spending lots of money and time with each other's family. The stress of it can be overwhelming. As long as the stress is all coming from the outside and not from each other, you should be fine! 

Anyway, I wanted to share with you the questions that played on my mind when I got engaged and maybe, if you're also wishing to get married, you should ask yourself these things before your wedding happens!

Are Your Finances Secure?
Let’s face it—love won't keep you alive. No matter how romantic that song goes, you can't survive on sex, hugs and kisses. You got to eat, you need a roof over your head, you got to pay the bills. You don't have to be rich, but you and your fiancé shouldn't be irresponsible either. Can you live on your own? Can you support a family? If kids aren't in the plans, can you support your dreams? 

Money affects a marriage profoundly. When you feel insecure or even afraid because the bills are piling up, creditors are knocking on your door, your kids aren't eating enough, or you can't afford the doctor or proper treatment when the kids are sick, your marriage will crumble. Marriages aren't built on money, sure, but they are built on a strong foundation of duty. Part of that duty is to provide for each other. 

During your engagement, you can already gauge your fiancé's financial readiness. Do you know each other's money situation like income, debts, and assets? Can you discuss the wedding budget comfortably or is talking about money a big no-no? Are you getting into debt just to have the wedding of your dreams? Is he shooting down your wishes because he doesn't want to spend money at all? If there are money issues now, you can be sure you'll always be fighting about these when you're married so address them now before it's too late!

What Do You Want For Your Wedding?
Speaking of the wedding of your dreams, make sure it's the wedding you BOTH want. Have you ever gone to a wedding where you know it's a bridezilla up there at the altar or it was a domineering groom who's running the show? You can see just one person's personality! It doesn't bode well for a successful marriage because marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. 

It’s important that your wedding day itself represents what both of you want. You may be the bride but remember you're sharing that "stage" with your man! Always consider what he wants, too. Think about your husband-to-be carefully—the way in which he proposed may signify what he wants the wedding to be like. For example, if he asked your father for your hand, then he may be a traditionalist. 

My husband didn't ask my parents' permission to marry me because he knows I'm a feminist and I would be offended by any act robbing me of my agency. Yet even though he knew I didn't want an engagement ring, he still gave me one and an extremely traditional one, too—a diamond solitaire! This made me reflect on why we give diamond rings (because diamonds mean tradition and they signify forever) and I realized that my husband may respect my very modern attitudes but he remains old-fashioned in some areas. So I made sure that our wedding had a modern vibe but kept everything else—white dress, my parents walking me down the aisle, our vows—strictly traditional. 

My wedding was all about compromise. It made me understand that it isn't about me anymore. Marriage is going to be about yielding, understanding, compromising, and working together. My wedding made me realize that I'm okay with that.
Vince said he always imagined me with flowers in my hair so I gave him that, too.

Do You Communicate Well?
The stress of wedding planning can be terrible, so if you start to bicker about small and unimportant things, don’t worry too much. It’s only natural to get snappy in times of stress! Just take a deep breath and take a step back to stop the arguments from escalating any further. 

However, if you feel that your conversations aren’t productive and that you're arguing too much, then that's a big red flag. Filipinos are lucky because we're close to our family and friends and we can bring up our worries to them and they can hopefully give good advice. But I find that family and friends tend to take our side (because they love us very much!) and aren't very forgiving of anyone who causes us pain—that includes your fiancé! So maybe you and your fiancé should consider going to a relationship counselor and talking about your issues before you get married. Make sure you iron out any glitches in your relationship before you make that big commitment.

Do You Want The Same Things?
Finally, one of the most important questions to ask during your engagement is if you and your fiancé want the same things. Of course, no one is the exact same as each other. If you're planning your honeymoon and one of you is desperate to visit France and the other’s craving pizza and pasta in Italy then you can compromise. But if you disagree on fundamental issues then you might start to realize that there are cracks in your relationship. 

There’s no point in marrying someone in the hopes that they might change, particularly on subjects like wanting children, keeping your career, supporting his dreams, religious and political beliefs. Some things are so integral to who we are that to spend our lives with someone who doesn't agree with those integral parts of ourselves is asking for a lot of pain and suffering. 

Wanting the same things, sharing the same values, and heading in the same direction are key to the success of a relationship. While my husband and I shared many beliefs and priorities, we also had a lot of differences. He knew I liked being a career woman (his parents were the traditional husband-provider and housewife) and I knew he wanted kids (I was leery of them). Before we got married, we had a talk where he assured me he'll always support my desire to work and I assured him that with him as my partner in parenting, I'm not so afraid of motherhood anymore (I still freaked out when I found out I was pregnant more than two years later haha). 

So if you have a boyfriend now or just got engaged, ask yourself these questions. If you like the answers, then congratulations! I'm so excited for you! If you don't like your answers, then see if you and your man can work out your issues. Good luck!

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Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Between the proposal and the wedding: How to enjoy being engaged


Exactly 10 years ago, Vince was planning to propose to me. But because I bought him an expensive gift (the first models of the Sony PS3 were pricey back then), I impulsively decided it was too much of a gift to give to just a boyfriend. So I dropped down on one knee and proposed to him instead! Two weeks after our engagement, he proposed to me properly with a proper diamond ring because that's what proper people expected us to do. Nah, just kidding. Vince really wanted to propose but the ring took longer to make than anticipated so I ended up doing it first!

Anyway! Lots of people are getting engaged these days, as my Facebook feed attests. So here I go dispensing advice no one asked for but you ought to follow: Enjoy your engagement! 

Being engaged is a strange time in your life. It often feels like you’re playing the waiting game until you actually get married, at which point your life with your partner will really begin. But between the proposal and the wedding, is planning the wedding all you must do? That can be really stressful. I know a lot of couples who were tempted to elope! Yes, us included! So why not try to really enjoy your engagement? It’s a time when you’re planning your future with the love of your life. Here are some tips to help you enjoy—not stress about!—your engagement.

Go on vacation
Okay, so you should probably be saving for your wedding right now. But why not take a trip? Even a short trip away from all the wedding planning will make you even closer—get some sun, lie by a pool, eat some great food, and spend a lot of time talking to your partner. While you’re there, you could talk about planning your honeymoon or future vacation spots you’d like to visit one day.

Go to couples’ counseling
More than anything, you want your relationship to work. When you get engaged, you are effectively telling each other that you expect to stay together for the rest of your lives. However, that’s easier said than done. If you go to counseling before you get married, you’ll be able to sort out any issues you might have before they arise – like taking a vitamin C supplement to make sure you don’t get a cold before you even feel sick! If you plan to get married in a Catholic church, you'll be required to attend some sort of marriage seminar anyway so try to choose one that will help you realize if you and your fiancé share the same family values and life goals.

Set aside an evening with no wedding talk
It’s so easy to allow your wedding planning to take over your life. Make sure that you set aside at least one evening a week in which you don’t discuss any wedding planning at all. Hang out with your partner and fully enjoy his company, without any of the stress of wedding talk. Make dinner together and curl up on the couch to watch a movie, or go on a double date with your best friends, or do some home improvement. Just make sure you relax together!

Get an engagement shoot
Sure, some engagement shoots look kind of cheesy (and that's why we didn't do it haha), but lucky for you, you’re not that kind of couple. Or maybe you are, and if so, you should embrace that! Get the look here to figure out what you want from your shoot. Getting an engagement photo shoot done will be a lot of fun for you and your husband-to-be, and it will also provide you with a photo album full of great memories. If you like your photographer, you could also consider hiring them to shoot your wedding—treat it as a trial run for that!

Explore your neighborhood
A lot of couples plan to have children after they get married. Although children are, of course, a blessing and a joy, I'm telling you now that they are also undeniably a huge responsibility. So while you don’t have kids, you should go out and fully explore where you live, or where you will both live when you're married! If you live in the province or the suburbs, take a trip to the nearest city for a couple of nights. Go out for dinner, take a bus tour, and hit the clubs to party all night, and make the most of being together.

Remember: You're not just planning a wedding, you're also preparing for a marriage. And that contract ends at "till death do us part." So use your engagement period to really get to know each other. Once the wedding preps really kick in and the moving into the new home happens and the integrating into each other's families start and especially when the kids arrive, it's hard to focus on each other. All that I mentioned are wonderful phases in your married life but they can distract you from what's truly important—your marriage. So use this precious time to really lay the foundations of your union. Congratulations and best wishes!


*photo from Pixabay
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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Ask Frances: After caring for the kids all day, how is sex with my husband even possible?

This post is brought to you by Biogenic Alcohol.


Well, yes, I haven't forgotten about this super popular series! So if you're wondering about my Ask Frances series, well, I didn't do posts for May and June. I've been getting really heavy and serious questions. I'm kinda scared to answer them because marriages are on the balance. Nakakatakot sagutin, diba? But I said I'd do this series and so let's do this!

"Ask Frances" is a monthly (well, that was the plan!) blog series where I will answer questions from my readers. The chosen question will receive a prize. This month's prize is from my blog partner, Biogenic Alcohol. I really chose this question because it's perfect for announcing something I'm doing for a big event of Biogenic this weekend.

Today's prize is all these bottles of Biogenic. I'm especially happy with the big spray bottles.

I think Ethyl alcohol is safer to use around kids. It's an ingredient in making alcoholic beverages, after all, which mean it's ingestible. But that doesn't mean you should drink it! Ethyl alcohol is what I use whenever my kids are involved—their grooming kits, our first aid kit.

Isopropyl alcohol is volatile and highly combustible. This ingredient is found in sanitizing solutions like hand gels and heavy-duty cleaners. Obviously, dangerous to ingest! I use this for cleaning the house.

Our question this month:

 I started reading your blog since you were pregnant with Iñigo. I found your blog because I was also pregnant in 2012 with my first child. Now I have two kids. A boy and a baby girl. My life is so full and happy, like yours. Frances, I can tell from the few posts that you write about your marriage that your marriage changed after the kids came. Mine did also. 

 My husband says he misses me. He wants me to stay awake so I can spend time with him after the kids go to sleep. Most of the time, he also wants to make love. We're married. He's a man. Of course he wants sex. I understand. But I want him to understand I'm so tired from taking care of the kids all day. I get up at 5 and I am on my feet until the kids bedtime at 8. I just really want to sleep. I am still attracted to my husband but I'm so tired. My husband doesn't force me at all. So I am thankful. But I am guilty. I'm too tired! I am also resentful. But I don't want him to become celibate for ever. I don't want him to look for a querida also. 

 Sorry for the personal question. How do you still have a marriage after kids? I follow you on IG and you still look so happy together with Vince. Are you still having sex? If yes, how do you do it? I don't want my marriage to end. Thank you!

 M.N.

Dear M.N., what questions you ask! I seriously don't know how to answer because I'm going through the same questions myself! But let me try anyway. Let's pretend it's just you and me talking, two wives who love their husbands so very much, two mothers too exhausted to show their husbands that love.

Let me answer the questions as bluntly as you asked them. "Are you still having sex?" Yes, we are still having sex. Sadly, the frequency has lessened to the point that sometimes Vince calls me his roommate. Haha.

I think it's important to remember that our husbands are not the villains here. He doesn't ask for sex because he's selfish. He wants sex because it's a display of love and affection for him to you and from you to him. I dunno why men can't display such affection in ways such as doing all the chores, or letting us sleep, or taking care of the kids all day long haha. For example, if I had a nap that day, I'm in a better mood for sex later at night. The longer my nap, the more game I am for making out! If I had time to shower, too! Honestly, sometimes a whole day can pass and I hadn't had time to wash my face or brush my teeth, then here comes my husband asking for loving. When I'm stinky, sticky and yucky, I'm not in the mood at all. Vince says he doesn't mind, but sex starts in the mind and if my mind says I'm yucky, I won't feel sexy. So let me nap, let me shower, and I can have sexy time!

So I guess that answers your question, "If yes, how do you do it?" He tries to make sure I get rest—even for just a little while—so I can have energy to take him on later. Talk to your husband about how tired you are and ask for his help. If he's at work all day, ask budget for household help. A life coach I know told me that mothers shouldn't feel guilty to hire yayas for their kids. Yayas help the mom in that she can rest and spend time with her husband. Someone needs to take care of our husbands, and if it won't be us, who's going to do it?

What helped me was remembering that I'm the only one in the world who can legally provide sex to my husband. So I do have a duty! I don't view it as an obligation, however, because that will make me resentful and that will make my husband a chore. I mean, I wouldn't want him to view me that way either. I want him to love the fact that he's the only one for me—for better or worse! So we have to make love to each other because we're the only ones who are supposed to and who are legally allowed to! So it's a joyful duty. Having an attitude of joy helps. I confess I'm not joyful about it every day because the exhaustion really drowns whatever joy or desire I have (and yes, I am still very much attracted to my husband!). So the solution—for us tired moms, at least—is to address our exhaustion. If husband and wife work together in making mom life less tiring (haha), then wife life will happen!!!

That said, don't conclude that just because you're not having sex, your marriage will end. Yes, sex is a very important part of marriage, but it's not the be-all and end-all of your relationship. It's commitment. Till death do you part, whether or not you're having sex.

Work with your husband about this. Tell him you still want him. Sometimes, that's all they need actually—your confirmation that he's still hot stuff. Commit to spending time together—whether going out on a date, or talking for an hour after the kids are asleep. Yes, just talking. It's hard for us wives to be intimate with someone we don't talk to. So I chat with Vince first before we do it. He gets impatient sometimes haha but it's really hard for me to get in the mood if I don't know how he is or I haven't told him about my day!

M.N., I've been assured (and warned in a way) that this mom-of-young-kids stage won't last forever. The babies will suddenly grow up and then we won't be so tired anymore. We'll have more time again. Just make sure you nurture your marriage while we wait for that time. Nurturing doesn't mean sex all day (who has the time???). Just be there for each other, talk to each other, affirm each other, laugh together, love each other, and make love when you can. That's what we're doing. Hopefully, it's enough to tide us over for when all the kids in school and we finally find ourselves alone!

Now, send me an email so I can send your Biogenic gift pack! You can also attend my talk on July 30, Saturday, at Market! Market! for the "My Biogenic World: Playtime Discoveries" event of Biogenic Alcohol. My topic will be "How to Take Care of Your Marriage After Kids." I'll have more tips to share there.



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